Let me catch you up just in case you’re confused. Jeff Luhnow (Ex Astros GM) and AJ Hinch (Ex Astros Manager) were just suspended and correspondingly fired for their roles in a cheating scandal that helped the Huston Astros win the World Series in 2017.
Now that you’re up to date, let me explain my plan.
I don’t have the perfect job titles for Jeff and AJ yet, but I was thinking something along the lines of Co-Directors of Special and Covert Operations. This sounds important and innocuous, which is key. Their actual job responsibilities will vary somewhat between spying, cheating, sign stealing, illegal reconnaissance, and “advanced” scouting. Harmless. I know that sounds a lot like cheating, and that’s because it is. Still though, harmless.
If Jeff and AJ can setup an operation that steals signs from a catcher with a video camera and relays them to a batter in time to influence the game enough to help them win a World Series, than they are certainly crafty enough to help a football team win games. It’s not exactly rocket science. It was done at least once before in the NFL, maybe twice. We don’t need to name names here because that’s not what I do, but if I were to give a hint, I’d say the cheating teams name rhymes with “Patriots.”
Look I want a Super Bowl win, and I don’t really care how it happens. The Patriots and Astros were both caught after the fact and it’s not like their titles were vacated. And even if they were, who gives a shit? The NFL can’t take away the feeling you felt when they finally hoisted the trophy, they can’t take away the memories, they can’t take away the championship t-shirts, hats, or any other swag. Take our draft picks, fine our owners, suspended our staff, I don’t care. Would any Viking fan care? Shit sell the team to a Colombian drug lord (or an American one, I support local businesses), blow it all up, it doesn’t matter anymore. One Super Bowl victory is worth it, one is all I need. One is all WE need.
Now is our chance. Opportunity only knocks so often, and right now is the time to sack up and grab the bull by the horns. People say our championship window is coming to a close; well Jeff and AJ would kick that bitch wide open. They turned the Astros into a juggernaut, and now its our turn. By the time were finished the NFC North would be in shambles. Chicago would be Minnesota South, Detroit would be Minnesota East, and Green Bay would still be a shit heap. Its what Vikings do, they conquer. So lock up your doors, close your windows, and shut your blinds, because Minnesota is coming. Jeff and AJ are going to know when Aaron Rodgers sleeps, they’re going to know what he eats for breakfast, they’re going to know how many time Mitch Trubisky wipes, and they’re going to know what Matt Stafford listens to on his way to work. Jeff and AJ will watch tape of your colonoscopy if it means finding a weakness. They will wire tap phones, video tape practices, intercept emails, hack computers, and even a little B&E if needed. They will not rest, and we will not lose.
Salary cap? Who cares. Draft picks? Don’t need them. Xavier Rhodes? Start him at quarterback. Kirk Cousins? Start him at running back. Dalvin Cook? Bench him just for shits and giggles. Jeff and AJ will know EVERYTHING about EVERYONE. Do you know who found Bin Laden? Jeff and AJ. Do you know who found the Unabomber? Jeff and fucking AJ.
Get ready, the Minnesota Vikings are about to take over the NFL MLB style.
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