James Harden Is Leading The Charge For “Thiccck Boy Summer”

In case you haven’t seen our chonk king yet, take a look this big boy body.

During a month typically known for weight loss resolution’s that result in crowded gyms, record quinoa sales, and self hatred, James Harden is shaping his body a bit differently.

He’s traded in the leafy greens, dumbells, and diet pills for strip club ribs, full strength beer, and an exercise program created by Mike McCarthy. Somehow, in between slugging bud heavys with a fistful of wet naps, and performing 10 sets of laying down, he still finds time to play professional basketball. Luckily for us, all that work on the court hasn’t negatively affected his body.

Say what you will, but James Harden has created the ideal Male body, and just in time. We’ve still got a few months left to get into buffet shape before summer hits and it’s time for suns out flabby guns out, or blue skys and wide thighs.

Hot girl summer was great, but I don’t remember seeing any one of those ladies averaging 26 ppg with their size 0 waists. So if we’ve learned one thing, size matters, and from the looks of things a 42 inch waist should do it if you want to penetrate the lane deep enough.

I’ve already canceled my gym membership and downloaded the Domino’s app. So when you see me dominating pick up games in the gym and spike ball on the beach this summer with a body like a six lane backroad just know that I, like Harden, didn’t take any days off to achieve it.

It’s time to pick up the fork and get to work, Thiccck Boy Summer is approaching.

B1G Football is thriving after a Sugar Bowl dub and a historic Mayo Bowl victory.

The SEC may still reign supreme in the college football realm but the Wisconsin Badgers made a statement this week.

With a resounding victory over a juggernaut Wake Forest team, the Badgers reminded the world that the Big Ten is not a conference to fuck with.

In a memorable matchup between a 3-3 Wisconsin team and, representing the ACC, a 4-4 Wake Forest squad. The Badgers racked up 42 points and well over 250 yards of offense against a prolific Demon Deacons defense during their condiment showdown.

The Duke’s Mayo Bowl in Charlotte, North Carolina, one of college football’s signature bowl games, has been around since 2002 and has held many different names. Recently it was the Belk Bowl, but in 2020 nothing seemed more appropriate than to name one of the most popular and important bowl games after a thick, eggy, oil based sauce, that was designed to be a perfect topping for a sandwich made of bologna, Craft Singles, and Wonder Bread.

Although this was the Badgers first showing in the famed Duke’s Mayo Bowl, they were facing a team that was something of a legend in the sandwich spread community as the Demon Deacons were 2-0 in this bowl game. However, the world would soon learn to throw the records out the window when the Wisconsin Badgers came to town as they spent the afternoon flexing on the class of the ACC and putting college football on notice. The Big Ten is here, and here to stay.

Ohio State’s decent win in the College Football Playoffs over Clemson was also pretty good for the status of the Big Ten.

Machine Gun Kelly’s little brother mean mugs the Lakers after a garbage time bucket.

Here’s a photo of the moment I’m referencing.

You may know this guy as “a bucket” because if you want 13.5 points per game, he’s you’re man.

Now bucket exceeded expectations in Game 3 of the NBA Finals with 17 points. He added a whopping 3 rebounds and 2 assists just to make sure we all knew that he should have been drafted over Zion and Ja.

If you missed the game, this snarl, which was about as intense and menacing as the golden retriever from Homeward Bound came after bucket nailed a game winner over LeBron.

Adorable

Just kidding, bucket’s snarl came after hitting a garbage time layup over Rajon Rondo and getting an and-one.

Nothing says “I’m a bucket” like 14 points going into the final minutes of a critical NBA Finals Game 3. Bucket was essentially a piece of furniture out there that no one cared about until he hit us with the least genuine tough guy look of all time.

He looks like he’s about to drop the weakest diss track of all time. A diss track aimed at hotel bartender who didn’t recognize him because he looks like every white, college basketball player ever. I’m sure after he got his vodka red bull he dropped some absolute Nick Cannon-like heaters in the studio.

I make that same face when I take my morning shit. That’s the face I make when I microwave food and it’s still cold. This is the look most dudes give themselves in the gym mirror.

Bucket literally could not be less intimidating. Maybe try showing up in the Finals before hitting the Lakers with the “who farted” face.

Even Ham did it better.

Joe Burrow would have been well within his rights to quit football today

I’m sure you’ve seen this hit already, but take a look again.

Did Burrow shit in Malik Jackson’s Cheerios this morning or what the fuck happened? You don’t often try to separate a man’s head from his body, unless he screws your mom, ruins your perfectly manicured lawn, or defecates all over your most important meal of the day.

The fact that Joe Burrow kept playing on the same field as that butcher is insane. He honestly should have left the stadium and retired from the NFL. When someone separates your body from your soul the correct response is to cry a little, pretend like you just have dirt in your eyes, fake a back injury to get off the field, and then give yourself a real back injury so you never have to stare death in the face again. I honestly don’t think anyone would have minded if Burrow had quit the game of football after getting his salad tossed into low earth orbit. To me that’s an acceptable and rational decision. Like, yeah man, you do you.

What’s not rational, is stepping back out onto the field where a few of your teeth are currently hiding, before Malik Jackson has been handcuffed and sent to jail.

I would rather get the Myles Garrett helmet treatment once a day for a year than have to take that hit once.

Props to Joe Burrow, crazy bastard.

Aaron Rodgers filmed an X rated movie in US Bank Stadium today

Not only did he film an X rated movie, but he also very likely committed a federal crime as he crossed state lines to do it.

If you’re a Packer fan, you probably think you’ve just witnessed football porn. An aggressive Dom/Sub type of porn that was so hot you couldn’t stop watching but was so graphic you had to wince at times. But through it all you got to see the Packers finish multiple times in the endzone.

If you’re a Viking fan you just witnessed 60 minutes of unnecessary roughness and illegal touching from an old grey haired man with a creepy mustache. Not exactly porn, but people definitely got fucked.

Let’s review the tape.

The only thing looser than MVS’ grip on the ball was Minnesota’s coverage. The Packers’, apparently injured, offensive line (could have fooled me) was making truck sized running lanes like they were still having to block for Eddie Lacy’s wide ass. Meanwhile Yannick Ngakoue was in such a hurry to get out of Jacksonville that he forgot to pack his talent and move it with him to Minneapolis. On the bright side, he, and every other defensive player, was never within six feet of Rodgers so this game is Fauci approved (Probably the first ever social distancing joke!) because even though Rodgers handed out STD’s all game he was never in the position to give a Viking covid-19. And last but not least the offensive line was pass blocking like Kirk Cousins personally offended each and every one of them.

Okay, I’m ready to move on. Still have high hopes for this team, it was just one game, and the first in the strangest NFL season ever. Minnesota always has some ugly games, even during good seasons. On to the next.

Unbiased Vikings vs. Packers Preview

Vikings by a billion.

Minnesota may lose the “porn star mustache” competition to the Packers. They may lose the “sexiest head coach” competition to the Packers. They may lose the “who’s quarterback can love their family least” competition. They may lose the “worst attempt at beer chugging” competition. They may lose the “ugliest uniforms” competition. They may lose the “QB with the most breakups” competition. They may lose  the “greyest kicker” competition. They  may lose the “smelliest fans” competition, or the “most overweight fans” competition. The Vikings might lose the “who can draft worst” competition. They might lose the “most broken collarbones” battle, or the “worst city” battle. Minnesota might even lose the “worst wide receiver depth” battle.

It’s very possible that the Minnesota Vikings get bested in every single one of these very real competitions by the Green Bay Packers, but you know what we won’t lose? This ballgame on Sunday. You’re going to like the final score Vikings fans, I guarantee it.

Unbiased prediction- Vikings: A Billion, Packers: <<<<<<<<<

Tiger Wood Is +8 And I Want To Die.

There is a chance this title is an overreaction. It’s not though.

During Round 1 of the BMW Championship on Thursday, Eldrick golfed like Mark Sanchez quarterbacked and put up an abysmal 73. But the greatest golfer of all time was not to be denied. Tiger teed off for Round 2 on Friday looking to right his ship before it sank to the bottom of BMW’s ocean but managed to butt fumble his way into an iceberg of a 75. Consider the U.S.S. Woods sunk.

I’m not mad, just disappointed that the GOAT is playing golf just slightly better than the average old, white, out of shape, country club member. Now I know he’s 44 and has a back that’s rebuilt with 25% luck and 30% prayer, but I’ll be damned if it doesn’t break my heart watching him get beat by a guy named fucking Maverick who doesn’t resemble Tom Cruise in the slightest.

After a promising finish last week it seems like we’re back to bad Tiger, and bad Tiger means depressed me.

T’s and P’s to my liquor cabinet this weekend.

One does not simply get traded for a 7th round pick by passing physicals

This is classic a classic “you get what you pay for scenario.” You don’t trade a rusted out Ford Pinto and expect a working Ford Mustang in return. No, you trade a rust out Pinto and in return you get a 6 foot, 308 lb StarKist tuna can shaped, chode of man who runs a 40 yard dash in infinity seconds because he could’t finish it.

To be fair, I don’t know exactly what part of the physical P.J. Hall Jr. failed, but I can only assume the Raiders were willing to trade a former 2nd round pick for a 7th rounder because he spent the quarantine maxing out on hot dogs and not on squats.

Unfortunately for Hall, Mike Zimmer’s complex defensive scheme requires running and tackling, both which can’t be easy for you when your physical report card has a red F stamped on it. P.J. doesn’t need to be the next American Ninja Warrior, but being a Glizzy Gladiator ain’t going to cut it.

Hall may be better off giving Detroit a try, where passing your physical is about as expected as winning the North.

What it’s like to be an essential employee

I’m no hero. I put my pants on one leg a time just like everyone else. The only difference between me and you is that I’m essential to the proper functioning of planet earth. That responsibility would stress most people out. The weight of the world is literally on my shoulders, but luckily I’ve never skipped leg day. I stare death in the face every day now, but I don’t blink. My work cannot stop.

I get up every morning terrified of what I might encounter during the day. Terrified of the people I may see, but I still get out of bed. I wake up, make breakfast, pour a cup of coffee, and pretend like everything is going to be alright. I sanitize. Then I take a deep breath, and step outside.

My first challenge, walk to my car without coming into contact with anyone else. Talk about hell. On an average day I have to make sure to avoid at least three people (probably non-essentials) on my way to my car. It takes focus, preparation, reflexes, and courage. I dodge, dip, duck, dive, and dodge two or three people all the way to my car. Once I’ve finally made it inside I relax for a second, and then tremble at the thought of what lies ahead. Before putting my whip in gear, I sanitize.

Traffic. Sure there are less cars on the road because of the stay at home orders, but it still takes me at least 30 minutes to get to work. That’s disgusting, I’m an essential employee for Christ’s sake, I can’t afford to be wasting time, especially when I still have to stop at Starbucks for an Americano (the caffeine is a must for what lies ahead).

Once I’ve navigated through the 17 cars on the road, and survived the Starbucks drive-through (barely), I pull into work, and sanitize. From the outside it doesn’t look too bad.

I walk inside. I sanitize. I greet my fellow coworker or two as I walk past their offices, trying to stay 20 feet away, and then approach my office door. Terrified of the door handle I use an elbow to open it. My office. Looks okay, but is it? I grab a disinfectant wipe and wipe down my desk, keyboard, mouse, and anything else I see. I sanitize again, and sit in my chair. Only 8 more hours of this war zone. Throughout the day I write reports, respond to emails, edit spreadsheets, answer my phone, but most of all, I avoid my coworkers at all costs. I avoid them like the plague they probably are. Not easy. It’s a small office and two other people are here today. I try to never be in the same room as one of them. This is ground zero folks, this is the mayhem I deal with.

I carefully touch the microwave and the refrigerator handle at lunch time. I immediately wash my hands after. I carefully open the bathroom door. I shit in peace. I wash my hands after. My coworker hands me a piece of paper. I wash my hands after. I walk to the printer. I wash my hands after. 8 straight hours of this insanity. But I deal with it because I’m essential. My work cannot stop.

5:00 PM has struck. My work is done, but it cannot stop. I grab my stuff, turn off the lights in my office, close the door, and sanitize my hands after. I say goodbye to my one coworker who is still there. I try my best so stay far away, but we come within 15 feet of each other. I wash my hands after.

In my car, I prepare for the highway to hell back home. Traffic is worse now. At least 30 cars out. But I navigate carefully, making sure to stay 6 feet away from all other car. I’m hungry. Do I have food at home? Hopefully. I probably shouldn’t stop Starbucks again, the risk is too great. Fuck this virus. I sanitize again.

35 minutes later I’m home. I’m tired, sore, weary, scared, and still hungry. I park on the street like a non essential pigeon. Easily 40 yards to my door, and I see at least 4 people outside. I get out of my car, sanitize, and begin a brisk walk to my door.

BOOM! Someone else is leaving my building. Shit. I panic. Quickly I change directions and navigate to the back door (ass eating season). Luckily no one is there. I open it. I sanitize. I walk up the stairs to my door. I open it. I wash my hands.

I’m back inside. I’ve survived another day. I strip off my clothes, get in the shower, cry, masturbate, and try to forget the day. I try to forget the madness I saw.

At night I reluctantly prepare myself again for another day of chaos, because I am essential. My work cannot stop. I sanitize again.

Dear John Is An Abomination Of A Movie

I don’t hate romantic movies. I’ve watched a few in my day and they’re mostly fine. The Notebook? An excellent film. A Star is Born? Great. The Titanic? A classic. But honestly Dear John is big pile horse shit.

Yea, that looks about right.

I watched Dear John for the first time a few days ago and I have some thoughts about it. And not that it’s any of your business, but no, the movie didn’t lead to coitus. To be honest, I would have been too angry about the movie to try and lay some pipe anyway.

What the fuck was that bullshit. First of, John looks like this.

Channing Tatum Pictures and Photos | Fandango

I don’t want to be a dick, but that handsome bitch isn’t settling for Savannah. That’s right, I said settle. John happens to look a lot like Channing Tatum, and people who look like Channing Tatum date people who look like Rachel McAdams. Daddy Gosling didn’t settle for the first hippie beach trash he met.

And then we have Tim. Nice guy right? No, turns our he’s a bigger snake than Kim Kardashian. What a douche. Fucking Tim decides he’s going to marry Savannah while our boy John is overseas getting winged by bullets. John is out here fighting for Tim’s freedom and and Tim is literally cucking the shit out him. Hard to be a bigger bitch than that.

I also have no idea what Savannah is thinking. If John settled, then Savannah was reaching like MJ in Space Jam.

Brandon Cottrell on Twitter: "@SportsNation you guys reach harder ...

Seriously. John is as good as it gets for her, and she decides to settle for old man Tim and his kid? No chance is that happening. No fucking chance. You don’t leave a 12 (on a scale to 10) for a 6. Especially if your supposed to be wildly in love with the aforementioned 12.

This movie is actually ridiculous. The only good thing that happened was John leaving her ass behind like the trash bag she is after he stupidly went to visit her.

To top it all off, we don’t even know if they got back together! Probably for the best, because if the idiot writer would have reunited those two I would have drop kicked my T.V. down the stairs and lit it on fire.

I need sports back, bad.

Create your website at WordPress.com
Get started