The only thing more hipster than craft beer, is giving your extra hopped, coffee flavored, jalapeno and kombucha infused, cherry lemonade “beer” an obscure, punny, or funny name. Now I love a bitter, spicy, lemon grass ice cream flavored can of loogie hot dog water as much as the next beard having, skinny jean wearing guy but enough is enough. I’m sure these drinks are selling like hot cakes at the abandoned Walmart punk rock concerts they were made for, but have we for gotten what beer was truly meant for? It was meant to be drank in bulk while watching over grown men beat the piss out of each other on Sundays so we could catch a nice buzz, enjoy the game, and forget Monday was looming.
There is no nostalgia with a bottle of mint ketchup and mustard IPA lager. They don’t brew these “beers” for us football fans, they brew them to say “hey look what I created!” Well you know what Zane? No one wants your fermented vomit lotion water. Craft beer has lost all connection with football, so I tried my best to restore that connection by matching some real beers with the football guy it was most likely created for.
Grumpy Bastard (Brandon Brewery): This beer is giving me Bill Belichick vibes. He hates the media, never seems happy about anything, and maybe cracks a smile when he wins the Super Bowl. If it’s not football, Bill does not give a shit. Does he have a father? Maybe, but it’s more likely he was assembled in a football lab.
Blithering Idiot (Weyerbacher Brewing): Brewed in honor of Hue Jackson? Maybe? With 3-36-1 record he deserves it.
Santa’s Butt Porter (Ridgeway Brewing): When I saw this my first thought was Andy Reid and I’m sticking with my gut, and his giant butt.
Buttface Amber Ale (Ram Restaurant & Brewery): Nothing personal here, but Bill O’Brien has a butthole on his chin.
Panty Peeler (Midnight Sun Brewing): I mean come on. This is Matt LaFleur. This was his nickname in college.
Kilt Lifter (Four Peaks Brewing): Easily Sean McVay. Picture him in a kilt. I’ve never had a more clear image in my brain of anything. Why is he lifting it? Why the hell not?
Citra Ass Down (Against the Grain Brewery): This beer belongs to the entire Cleveland Browns organization and fan base for thinking you were going to the Super Bowl and then not even making the playoffs.
Banana Hammock (Crooked Hammock Brewery): Oh my Jon Gruden. Jon is the guy that gets into every hot tub with a banana hammock on, and never leaves for a vacation without two pairs in his luggage. He most likely has one hanging in his locker too, “just in case.”
Old Leghumper (Thirsty Dog Brewing): Jerry f-ing Jones. We know old Jerry has no problem jacking off into a pair of his favorite loafers, so dry humping some legs is likely well within his wheelhouse.
Hoptimus Prime (Ruckus Brewing): Nuk Hopkins is a great nickname, but Hoptimus Prime? Don’t even bother trying to cover him. The defense would be better off staying in bed on game day. Thank me later for the new nickname DeAndre.
Morning Wood (Funky Buddha Brewery): P.J. Fleck has the energy and excitement of someone constantly on cocaine and Redbull. He seems to always be going 1,000 mph, and anyone with that kind of energy and his positive attitude is guaranteed to wake up every morning with some wood that stems from pure elation for the day ahead. Just a happy hard on.
Horny Devil (AleSmith Brewing): We all saw David Tepper. While introducing his new head coach for the Carolina Panthers, Matt Rhule, Tepper casually grabbed his wife’s butt. Right in front of the press, plain as day, Tepper gets a handful of ass. This guy is horned up to the max. He’s a borderline Old Leghumper.
Hoppy Ending Pale Ale (Palo Alto Brewing): Talk about obvious. Someone tell Robert Kraft his beer is ready. I’m not sure if they brew these in an Asian massage parlor, but I know that’s where Mr. Kraft drinks them. Ales are known for being full bodied, but Mr. Kraft is known for getting his FULL body massaged.
Arrogant Bastard Ale (Stone Brewing): Hello Aaron Rodgers. Arrogance? Every time he opens his mouth. A father? Has one, but ask him and he’ll probably tell you he doesn’t.
The Great, Big Kentucky Sausage Fest (Against the Grain): Coach Ed Orgeron is Louisianian through and through. He sweats gumbo and poops crayfish. But if he hears great, big Kentucky sausage? His ears are perked and he’s finding it. Coach O hasn’t turned down a sausage once in his life, and I don’t blame him. Kentucky Sausage Festival? More like a normal day at the Orgeron house.
Blind Pig IPA (Russian River Brewing): This one is for the zebras on the field. They throw flags like they’re beads and it’s Mardi Gras, except instead of seeing boobs after, we just see how dumb and blind the refs actually are.
Blitzkrieg Hops Double IPA (Neshaminy Creek Brewing): This one goes out to the New Yorker Lions (formerly Braunschweig Lions), who apparently dominate the GFL (German Football League). I don’t know if they modeled their offense after the Blitzkrieg war strategy, but whatever they did, it’s working.
Polygamy Porter (Wasatch Brewery): Looking right at the Utah Utes for this one. Clean cut, straight forward, and simple.
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