With the Raiders officially moving to Las Vegas (jealous), I started thinking. Remember when the there was a lot of talk about the Vikings relocating to Los Angeles? This was back in 2011 and 2012 before there was a deal in place to get a new stadium. Can you imagine? The Vikings following in the footstep of the Minneapolis Lakers? Disgusting. The Los Angeles Vikings? It makes me want to gouge my eyes out and punch myself in the back of the neck. It was a real fear though for many fans. The NFL wanted a team in L.A. because it’s such a great sports town apparently.
Wow, what a home field advantage. To get ready for home games the Los Angeles Rams have to practice with ear plugs in. How else could you duplicate the enthusiasm radiating from the stands? People in L.A. are too busy attending Lakers games and auditions for adult diaper commercials. You’re not going to get you big break watching football, but you might if you can crap your pants on camera and demonstrate how well this new diaper keeps everything in (we’ve all been there).
Since the Vikings are safe in Minnesota where they belong, I decided to find a few alternative options to Los Angeles where our favorite team could have made a nice new home.
Slab City, CA: A “city” full of hippies, homeless, drug addicts, crazies, and the weirdest damn people America has to offer doesn’t sound like the most ideal place for an NFL team, but could you imagine the pregames? That would be truly wild. There would be enough acid, crack, and magic mushrooms to take down a real city. A city with no rules? I call that the ultimate home field advantage. No need to worry about a lack of energy in the stadium as the smell of crack wafts through the stands.
Roswell, NM: Everyone knows Roswell if famous for its aliens. It should be the recruiting hotbed of America but its not because Aliens don’t care about Nick Sabans money. So if the Vikings set up shop here, there is an abundance of untapped potential. I won’t be easy, but after the Martians and other aliens learn the rules and regulations of American Football, not to mention the playbook, the Vikings could have a serious advantage. We don’t know what the little green men are capable of, but I’d like to find out on the football field.
Dudleytown, CT: This town sounds miserable, but that’s because I’m no fan of hauntings, ghosts, curses, or demons. I’m old fashioned I guess. I wouldn’t expect much of a crowd at the home games as “the most evil place on earth” could be a hard sell. If you think Aaron Rodgers and the Green Bay boys are getting a good night sleep in Dudleytown before their big game against the Vikings, you’re dead wrong. Do you think they can muster up a mediocre game of football after being tormented by ghosts and demons all night? No chance. Aaron will be trying to leave Dudleytown faster than his family dinners.
Alma, CO: You think the Broncos have an advantage playing in the Mile High City. Well the Vikings could have doubled that elevation and played in Alma, Colorado. Alma is the highest incorporated municipality in the United States with permanent residents. I’d love to see those poor Chicago Bears have to deal with the altitude. The Vikings would literally run circles around them as the Bears tried to catch their breath after running out of the tunnel. Bear weather? Don’t make me laugh, this is Viking altitude. Poor Mitch, he can hardly handle sea level.
Portland, OR: Portland boasts the highest number of strip clubs per capita in the U.S., a fact I found stunning. That’s a lot boobs and a lot of testosterone fueled men. How are they supposed to focus on the game when they know its amateur night. The thought of missing out on half priced drinks and fully naked newbies should make the defenses job a little easier. Kickers would have it the worst. They’re supposed to split the uprights, but they can’t stop thinking about Jasmine splitting her legs.
Lynchburg, TN: Home of the world famous Jack Daniels distillery. One does not simply travel to Lynchburg without getting plowed on Tennessee’s finest product. Good luck on Sundays with that whiskey hangover. Try pass blocking while burping up the taste of a burnt down oak tree mixed with spicy fire water (not a whiskey guy). It’s not going to go well when Hunter and Griff are coming at you full speed.
3 Mile Island, PA: This one would have taken some serious thought, but if it could have been pulled off, it would have been a game changer. Essentially my idea is just that the Vikings play in full radiation suites (designated home uniform), and the opposing team doesn’t. Should be hard to lose that game.
Orlando, FL: With more than a dozen theme parks and the most fast food restaurants per capita, Orlando is perfectly American. Vertigo induced vomiting and few extra lbs should help help the home team. That hot Florida sun will be sure to give you the meat sweats if you didn’t have them already. No better way to slow down the pass rush than a few too many double-doubles with animal fries, and a few trips on the Hollywood Rip Ride Rockit can’t hurt either. I’m picturing a specific Sandlot scene.
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