Turns Out I Felt Like Poop Because Of Sleep Apnea, Not The Vikings.

I assumed that not sleeping well and feeling drowsy, fatigued, and overall like a piece of microwaved dog poop was due to being a Minnesota Vikings fan. I figured that it was Pat Elflein’s blocking that woke me up a night, and Xavier Rhodes’ defense that had me feeling down in the dumps.

It made sense to me. I was suffering because of another season of slightly above average football that again ended in a disappointing playoff performance. And now an important off season was looming. Is Kirk the guy? Is Diggs happy? Will the offensive line finally be fixed? Why is Jayron so unhappy? Will Harris leave in free agency? Will Griffen still be on the team next year? Who should the Vikings draft? Are they going to trade Cook? Is there enough cap room to sign any free agents? Will Stephen Weatherly be back?

I get cold sweats just typing those questions. Of course I don’t feel right. How can I? This organization has me on edge. I’m worried sick about what’s going to transpire before next season. I bet everyone in Minnesota feels like me. The coronavirus has nothing on Vikingsfluenza, a viral infection that spreads through televisions.

Is Zimmer the guy? Will he lose the locker room? Ugh!

I needed a doctor. I needed a prescription for a new team. Maybe the Patriots? They don’t seem to make people in Boston feel like roadkill.

So I saw my doctor, and asked for a new team. He said no. He couldn’t do it. Too dangerous. I might become addicted to winning Super Bowls. But he could tell something was wrong, so he ran some tests.

Sleep apnea. Are you sure? That doesn’t make any sense. How could the Minnesota Vikings give me sleep apnea? They didn’t? Seriously? Maybe I learned choking in my sleep from decades of watching postseason choking? No?

Turns out that watching the Vikings’ roller coaster of a season and playoff crumble didn’t affect my health. Not yet at least. It raises my blood pressure, pulse, and stress levels at times, but nothing serious I guess. So you’re off the hook Minnesota, but don’t push your luck.

I will now be in an exclusive group of the least attractive sleepers in the world.

Skol.