The art of goosing

A goose. Not the annoying waterfowl. No, its something much more elegant, more cunning, and simpler than that particular creature.

A goose is a simple poke in buttocks. A gentle but firm prod that just peaks through the doorway to your sphincter.

It’s a greeting of sorts. Not like the traditional wave, handshake, high five, “sup” nod, or knuckles though. It’s a friendly greeting, but it’s meant to take your target by surprise and provide you with a “Gotcha!” moment. Expect a verbal exclamation and a leap of surprise from your target when properly executed.

Given the current situation we live in, I can’t think of a more sanitary and germ free greeting than sticking you’re freshly washed finger into someone’s crack.

Now let’s discuss the correct execution of the goose.

First, you should know your target, and you should be friendly with them. I don’t recommend going one knuckle deep in a stranger’s or loose acquaintance’s bum. Butt fingering is really a greeting best left for close friends, siblings, or mom and dad.

Now regarding the aforementioned knuckle, one is plenty. Save knuckles two and three for the experimental night in the bedroom with your “lucky” lady or man.

I like to use my thumb when I goose. I find that its more stable and less likely to strain when I’m goosing a buddy who’s wearing material like denim. Plus it’s the largest phalange, providing more surface area for an effective surprise greeting.

Make sure you keep your thumb stiff, but not too stiff. You’ll want to allow for a little bend. If you’re not careful, you could be staring down the barrel of and sprained finger.

Next, this isn’t an ass punch. We’re not animals, we’re just trying to say hello. There is no need to wind up like you’re on the mound in a womens fast pitch softball game. It’s all in the wrist and elbow. Just a little swing of the elbow is all you need to get the momentum going. Then, just a quick flick of the wrist. Pretend you’re flipping a coin with your thumb but trying to get a little extra mustard on it.

And please, for the love of god, remember to say something while you’re goosing. There is nothing more awkward than a silent poke in the ass. Don’t creep people out, say “Hey!” as you do it.

And finally, clip your fingernails. Don’t be a hero and risk breaking one.

Happy goosing.