We all remember the 2019 Masters. If you live under that overpass on my way to work maybe you don’t, so hold on to your nuts and let me fill you in.
My god. If Eldrick Tont Woods celebrating in the red and black doesn’t rev your engine, raise your pulse, or put a little sweat on your brow, you may need your hormones checked.
The 2019 Masters was one of the greatest sporting events I have ever witnessed. Tiger snapping a major drought that spanned a decade plus shocked me. I never thought he could return to that level of golf. Once he did though, my thought was immediately on to the next major, and on to number 18. Now, the next major is the 2020 Masters, and I have recently been informed that I am going to be at a wedding, across the country, on April 11th. Let that sink in. I will be attending a wedding on April 11th, and flying home on April 12th. I can feel your frustration.
Normally I love weddings. Mostly because I like cake and alcohol, and I like it even more when it’s free and there is a lot of it. I also fucking love Shout (replays Wedding Crashers scene in memory). It’s honestly exhilarating. But never before has a wedding interfered with my ability to watch Tiger Woods in the Masters.
When Tiger is charging up the leaderboad I will be walking down the aisle trying to find a place to sit. When Tiger is being interviewed after a great Saturday round, I will be making awkward small talk with family. When Tiger is putting to win the Masters I will be strapped in to a tin can 40,000 feet in the air that hopefully isn’t the really shitty 737 Max tin can. Not even double fisting free beer during a conga line (also exhilarating) could save this plane wreck of a weekend. Now maybe I could get a choppy ass stream of some of the Saturday round depending on the schedule of events, but my broke ass is going to be flying Spirit Sunday and even if those should be out of service airplanes had wifi, it would be so slow I’d get Tiger induced blue balls. I’d miss the money shot, you know, the one where he busts it in the hole.
Wedding advice: Know when the majors are.
I’d miss the birth of my child to watch him win number 18 when that day comes.