This question has been going around Twitter a lot recently so I thought I’d give it a proper response. If you’re new here, and couldn’t tell by my twitter account or by the name of the blog, I am a Minnesota Vikings fan. This means I can pick one player from the Detroit Lions, Green Bay Packers, and the Chicago Bears.
The thought of adding any player from any of those teams gives me diarrhea and a migraine, but I’ve thought about it, and after painting the inside of my toilet bowl brown a few times I’ve made my decisions. It wasn’t easy. I went through a bottle of Excedrin and a 24 pack of Charmin Ultra Strong (I spend the extra money for the ultra strong so I don’t end up wiping with my finger), but I made it through and I’m a better man because of it. So let’s dive in, draft style.
With the first overall pick in my hypothetical fantasy draft I select JD Nelson, Suite Sales Manager from the Chicago Bears. I don’t know anything about JD, except that he has the same name as one of my favorite TV show characters, and he probably has the most boring job in the world. I’m not shitting on the life of a Suite Sales Manager, no sir. I am however shitting on the life of a Chicago Bears Suite Sales Manager, because I’m not convinced anyone buys suites for Bears games. Why would you? Who in their right mind would pay suite money to watch that asthma attack of a football team. My man JD just sits at his desk waiting for the phone to ring. He’s begging people to buy suites. It’s like trying to sell tours of a dog shit factory. Well no more Mr. Nelson. I’m bringing you to a real NFL team with real fans who are lusting for suites at the best venue in the league. No more spinning signs in front of Soldier Field to advertise those 1960’s, cold-war, survival bunkers you Chicago folk call suites. Your talents are being wasted JD, it’s time for you to sell suites to the great people of Minnesota. This isn’t Pop Warner anymore.
With the second pick in this all-important draft, I select Chet Regula, Team Dentist from the Detroit Lions. As far as I can tell Chet does a hell of a job, but nice teeth are for winners, just ask rich people. The Lions play football like they’re in a butterfly catching league. They could use a few unfilled cavities. Maybe lose a few chompers and toughen up a little bit. Ever watched hockey? You’re supposed to be football players, but Chet has made all your smiles magazine worthy. Michael Strahan could have used an orthodontist to close down that four lane highway between his teeth but he decided against it. You know what that got him? A Superbowl championship and the record for most sacks in a season. He had girt, he wasn’t worried about looking like a Ken Doll. Strahan didn’t care that he could fit a whole hard shell taco between his teeth. So I’m taking your dentist Detroit, and he can work on the teeth of a playoff team instead of fixing your butt breath from sucking so much ass. Chet has crucial job. Healthy teeth and gums are essential for your overall health, but he’s wasting his knowledge and passion on the Lions. Chet deserves better. He deserves winners, and that’s what he’ll get in Minnesota.
With the third and final pick of this historic draft, I select Bill Miller, Plumber/Beverage Systems Technician from the Green Bay Packers. Bill is the real MVP in Green Bay. If there is one thing I know about Wisconsinites, it’s that they love their beer. I know what your thinking, “oh everyone loves beer!” and your right, but also so very wrong. Wisconsin runs on beer, brats, and milk. Take one of those away and the state would shutdown. Imagine if the beer wasn’t flowing during a Packer game? There would be a purge authorized by the Governor. It’s Bill’s job to keep the people loose with Spotted Cow and Miller Lite. Some people think the government puts fluoride in the water to control us, but I know that Wisconsin keeps beer in the tap lines to keep the people calm and happy. The pressure on this guy is crazy. Every week he needs to perform or else Green Bay would tear itself apart like Gotham. I guarantee you that no job on earth is more stressful than making sure Packers fans get their beer. Is he a brain surgeon? No. Is his job more important than that of brain surgeon? 100%. Have you heard of any riots or mass chaos taking place in Green Bay lately? No, because Bill is fucking Johnny-on-the-spot with the beer. This guy is a first ballot Hall of Famer, and he should be allowed to skip the waiting period. Bill, I need you on my team. Plumber/Beverage Systems Technician? More like Senior Director of Beer Engineering.
JD, Chet, Bill, welcome to the Minnesota Vikings. I drafted you all because you’re more valuable then any player on any of those three teams. I’m excited for you guys to get to work.
Skol.
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