First off, I would like to congratulate the creator of the new All Star Game rules for uniting the internet. I would have thought that it would have been easier to unite Democrats and Republicans, or North Korea and South Korea, but here we are. Everyone on the world wide web is thoroughly confused about the new All Star Game scoring rules.
I feel like the only way to understand the new scoring is by having Nicolas Cage steal the Declaration of Independence and decode a riddle hidden on the back of it. As you read this I’m flipping through the Dead Sea Scrolls and reading the Rosetta Stone trying to look for clues that would help decipher the new scoring system.
I would rather try to explain what caused the 2008 financial crisis than explain the scoring rules. Every time I read them, I understand them less and get a little bit dumber.
I am certain that these rules will end up on a college midterm, probably in a calculus 3 class.
How are the players going to know what is going on? There is no way in hell they will know when the game is over. LeBron will hit a casual 13 foot jumper and all of a sudden the horn will go off as he walks back down the court getting ready to play defense softer than Nikola Jokić’s pudding body.
Do I need a protractor to figure this out? I don’t even know how to used a protractor!
I understand that they’re trying to honor Kobe Bryant by making these changes, and he was a VERY intelligent guy, but last time I checked, Kobe was a basketball player, not a NASA scientist. Kobe lived in the gym, not a chemistry lab. He was the father of 4 daughters, not of modern economics. This doesn’t need to be so complicated!
Someone was definitely high when they though of this. Only a stoned person would turn a single basketball game into three mini games with an awkward, poorly thought out ending that requires a tag team of Bill Nye and Neil deGrasse Tyson so understand. This game is a true wapatui of ideas.
I hope they can connect IBM Watson to the scoreboard.
Enjoy the game everyone and don’t forget your TI-84’s, you’ll need them.