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These Masters Commercials Have Been Making Me Crymax

This is going to be a bit gross.

It’s no secret that I love the Masters. It is by far the best Major in golf, and it’s even better when Tiger Woods is in the mix. If you’ve had the pleasure of watching Tiger golf lately, then you know that he will absolutely be in the mix this year. He’s been a beast, a complete and total golf machine.

To understand this blog better, I suggest you go read my previous blog about the 2020 Masters. Since you probably won’t, I’ll sum it up real quick. I will likely miss the last two rounds of the Masters due to a wedding and the traveling needed to get there and back. Wow, I just summed up one great blog with one trash sentence. Alright, lets get into it.

Commercials for the Masters have been circulating lately and they are thrilling. Watching the commercials with Tiger playing at a Augusta in the red and black and thinking about Tiger winning another one has been getting me fully torqued. The fact that they can legally show these commercials on TV is wild. They are straight up porn. They should tone it down and just use still images and no sound because these videos are tough to handle. There should be a warning before the commercial starts, and I don’t think 18 years old is an appropriate age limit. 25 years old sounds about right me. Seriously, I can barely handle watching these things, a 23 year old is going to be putting one in his belly button before he even knows what happened. In front of your friends, that’s just embarrassing even though very understandable. Luckily I always happened to be at my place by myself every time I saw one of them so I can rock my sponty bone (shout-out Pete Holmes) in peace. If I was a doctor I would prescribe about 10 seconds of these commercials instead of Viagra. The Masters is out here cucking the shit out of Big Pharma. If you’re boned up longer than three hours try playing a round of golf but be prepared to take a penalty for too many clubs.

So while I’m in the midst of a solo golf orgy and my mind is drifting off to a 16th major celebration I always remember that I will likely be on an airplane during the final round, and I will certainly be at a wedding during the 3rd round. Talk about a cock block. This damn wedding (seriously read my other blog). So I’m in the middle of golf porn, essentially overdosed on Cialis, and I start having these very negative thoughts and neither can overpower the other. This is where I end up in a crymax.

Talk about an emotional roller coaster. I need these commercials off the air. I can’t take much more of this. I can barely blog, my laptop won’t sit flat on my lap. I need to buy a desktop, but who has money for that? I need a water proof keyboard because I’m soaking it from both sides. At this rate I won’t even make it to April. It might be best to unplug for a bit, maybe try a camping trip since I’ve been pitching tents left and right for the last month or so.

Good luck golf fans, we’re going to need it.

A Love Story

Theodore Edmond Bridgewater Jr. came into my life on May 8th 2014. Of course I had known about him before that, but I never gave him too much thought. He played at Louisville which was a school and conference I didn’t care much about and I never really figured he would end up on the Minnesota Vikings. Coming into the draft I knew we needed a quarterback, but I also knew the team I was dealing with and I figured it was more likely they dust off the corpse of Brad Johnson or Gus Frerotte than take a chance on a quarterback in the first round. When Minnesota’s pick came up at number 9 and Johnny Manziel was on the board I thought that was our chance (what an dummy I was), but then we took Anthony Barr. If I remember correctly the talking idiots on TV weren’t too thrilled about that selection (look at me now). So I thought that was it. Sure maybe we would still take a quarterback later in the draft but we would be getting a project car that needs a new transmission, not a fresh off the lot Corvette. We all know what happened next. When the 32nd pick came up, the Minnesota Vikings traded back into the first round and selected Teddy Bridgewater to be our quarterback of the future. I was pumped.

I was thrilled to have Teddy on the team but little did I know how much I would come to love him. He was awesome. He was fun, he was talented, and he brought an energy to the quarterback position we hadn’t seen in years. He was impossible not to like. The whole team seemed to love him and even Zimmer’s old, crotchety ass had a soft spot for him. Teddy seemed to get better every year and he looked ready to take the league by storm before his 2016 injury. He was the dude I wanted to lead the team into the future. I’ll never forget when I heard about his injury. I wore my Bridgewater jersey around the next day as a little show of support. That injury would end up affecting a lot of teams and a lot of quarterbacks directly and indirectly. Watching him step back on the field in 2017 to take meaningless snaps felt about as good as the Minneapolis Miracle.

This may come as a shock but I’m not a doctor (gasp!). I didn’t know the full extent of his injury and certainly didn’t know his long term prognosis, but I thought for sure the organization would bring him back in 2018, and when they didn’t I was rattled. It was brutal when he signed with the Jets, but at least it was the Jets. Pretty harmless overall. Then he got traded to Darth Vader’s team. He was now the backup QB for the evil empire. If this was middle earth, then he was teammates with Sauron. If we were in prison, he was QB for the guards. He was playing for Voldemort’s team now. You get the point. As long as he was the backup I could still wish for an 0-16 Saints team however. Or a 0-0 Saints team because the NFL decided to get rid of the franchise. Watching his awesome dance videos in the Saints locker locker room was hard. Watching him hand out bikes, and gifts, and cash from the back of a truck (dammit he’s awesome) was even harder because I couldn’t post the “That’s my quarterback” GIF. When he finally had to start for the Saints I was psyched that he was not only playing again, but he was winning.

Teddy’s a free agent once this NFL season ends, and he will get paid, which will be awesome to see even though its highly unlikely it will be the Vikings paying him. If I was the Vikings GM I would back up the Brinks truck for him. I’d back of a fleet of Brinks trucks. Teddy’s my favorite NFL player, and probably always will be. He deserves a statue in front of US Bank Stadium and an office in TCO Performance Center. The Vikings should always have salary cap available to sign Teddy just in case. His jersey should be retired when he retires. He should be in the Vikings Ring of Honor. He should retire a Viking when that sad day comes. If he ever starts a game against the Vikings, not in a Saints uniform, he should be allowed to win it, unless its the Super Bowl.

Teddy Bridgewater is the Vikings QB1 Emeritus.

You seriously think Joe Burrow is the best college QB ever?

This blog is not an attempt to discredit Joe Burrow, or shit on what he has accomplished. I don’t think it’s even possible to do that. That dude was incredible this year and I would give the Cincinnati Bengals any 5 Minnesota Vikings they wanted to get Burrow.

This blog is about a forgotten King. A man who sticks to the shadows of our minds. An understated, undersized champion of the Lone Star State. A champion of the forgotten ones. An underdog who dared to be great. The only thing bigger in Texas than their belt buckles and platters of ribs is this mans arm (and probably his balls). This blog is about the most prolific college quarterback the sport has ever seen, Casey Austin Keenum.

Heard of him? I know you have. He’s the NCAA Division I FBS career passing yards leader. He passed for over 5,000 yards in three seasons and is the only quarterback in Division I FBS football history to do so. Case Keenum was a mere 6 foot 1 inch tall boy when he decided to rewrite the college record books while in Huston. Keenum may have recieved a bachelor’s degree in business administration, but on the field he earned a PhD in kicking ass and taking names. Just ask Penn State. They still wake up with cold sweats in the midst of a nightmare about the TicketCity Bowl against the Huston Cougars. Case Keenum, at the height of his powers, tossed the the ball around the filed for 532 yards and three touchdown passes, like he was playing catch with his Dad in the back yard. He would finish that season with 48 passing touchdowns, his third season with more than 40. In total Keenum served up 155 passing TD’s hot off of that M320 Grenade Launcher he calls a right arm, which by the way makes him the all time passing touchdown leader for the NCAA Division I FBS.

I’ve only scratched the surface of the granite record books that Case Keenum etched his name all over. I suggest you look up the rest for yourself. It’s a read so great it deserves a Pulitzer Prize.

We don’t appreciate Casey Keenum enough and I will not stand for it. He tore is ACL in 2010 and came back in 2011 with a season so fine it belonged on the cover Sports Illustrated Swim. He had Madden numbers in college. He had Derrick Henry’s high school numbers in college. The pride of Abilene, Texas dominated college football and dummied defenses across the country. The fact that he went undrafted is a travesty and all 32 NFL teams should be punished.

Thank you for the memories Case.

Send Ex Houston Astros GM Jeff Luhnow and Manager AJ Hinch to the Minnesota Vikings

Let me catch you up just in case you’re confused. Jeff Luhnow (Ex Astros GM) and AJ Hinch (Ex Astros Manager) were just suspended and correspondingly fired for their roles in a cheating scandal that helped the Huston Astros win the World Series in 2017.

Now that you’re up to date, let me explain my plan.

I don’t have the perfect job titles for Jeff and AJ yet, but I was thinking something along the lines of Co-Directors of Special and Covert Operations. This sounds important and innocuous, which is key. Their actual job responsibilities will vary somewhat between spying, cheating, sign stealing, illegal reconnaissance, and “advanced” scouting. Harmless. I know that sounds a lot like cheating, and that’s because it is. Still though, harmless.

If Jeff and AJ can setup an operation that steals signs from a catcher with a video camera and relays them to a batter in time to influence the game enough to help them win a World Series, than they are certainly crafty enough to help a football team win games. It’s not exactly rocket science. It was done at least once before in the NFL, maybe twice. We don’t need to name names here because that’s not what I do, but if I were to give a hint, I’d say the cheating teams name rhymes with “Patriots.”

Look I want a Super Bowl win, and I don’t really care how it happens. The Patriots and Astros were both caught after the fact and it’s not like their titles were vacated. And even if they were, who gives a shit? The NFL can’t take away the feeling you felt when they finally hoisted the trophy, they can’t take away the memories, they can’t take away the championship t-shirts, hats, or any other swag. Take our draft picks, fine our owners, suspended our staff, I don’t care. Would any Viking fan care? Shit sell the team to a Colombian drug lord (or an American one, I support local businesses), blow it all up, it doesn’t matter anymore. One Super Bowl victory is worth it, one is all I need. One is all WE need.

Now is our chance. Opportunity only knocks so often, and right now is the time to sack up and grab the bull by the horns. People say our championship window is coming to a close; well Jeff and AJ would kick that bitch wide open. They turned the Astros into a juggernaut, and now its our turn. By the time were finished the NFC North would be in shambles. Chicago would be Minnesota South, Detroit would be Minnesota East, and Green Bay would still be a shit heap. Its what Vikings do, they conquer. So lock up your doors, close your windows, and shut your blinds, because Minnesota is coming. Jeff and AJ are going to know when Aaron Rodgers sleeps, they’re going to know what he eats for breakfast, they’re going to know how many time Mitch Trubisky wipes, and they’re going to know what Matt Stafford listens to on his way to work. Jeff and AJ will watch tape of your colonoscopy if it means finding a weakness. They will wire tap phones, video tape practices, intercept emails, hack computers, and even a little B&E if needed. They will not rest, and we will not lose.

Salary cap? Who cares. Draft picks? Don’t need them. Xavier Rhodes? Start him at quarterback. Kirk Cousins? Start him at running back. Dalvin Cook? Bench him just for shits and giggles. Jeff and AJ will know EVERYTHING about EVERYONE. Do you know who found Bin Laden? Jeff and AJ. Do you know who found the Unabomber? Jeff and fucking AJ.

Get ready, the Minnesota Vikings are about to take over the NFL MLB style.

What football taught me this year

Football (NFL and College) has taught me one lesson this year and one lesson only. To get to the promise land, you only need mediocre quarterback play.

Think about it. Joe Burrow and Trevor Lawrence are playing for a natty. They quarterback the two best teams in college football and yet their individual play leaves much to be desired.

You might not know this but Trevor Lawrence threw 8 interceptions this year, and only 4 interceptions last year when he was a freshman. He literally doubled his interceptions. DOUBLED THEM. He also threw for less than 3,500 yards (embarrassing) and currently has a completion percentage of 67.6%. HE’S NOT EVEN COMPLETING THREE QUARTERS OF HIS PASSES. On top of all of this, Trevor only averages 9.3 yards per completion. Seriously, he’s not even averaging a first down per completion. He also couldn’t even get to 40 passing touchdowns this season.

Joe Burrow has thrown for 55 touchdowns and 5,200 yards this season. Talk about being one dimensional. Joe Burrow cannot run. He relies way too heavily on his arm and it shows. Burrow is holding back the LSU offense. He doesn’t understand that RPO means there is an option to run. Oh an guess what? His interception total has gone up this year compared to last year. He’s getting worse. This is a bit of an obscure stat but it needs to be brought to light. The longest pass of his career is 78 yards. The football field is 100 yards long buddy. If Joe is inside his own 21 yard line, you can guarantee he isn’t going to score. This guy plays football like he’s had one too many hurricanes.

Let’s take a look at the NFL. Surely at this elite level of football the quarterback play must be spectacular to have success.

Ryan Tannehill is basically just Trevor Lawrence (a Ryan Lawrence would absolutely win ball games). He’s not throwing for many yards (2,742), not averaging a first down per completion, not completing three quarters of his passes, and hasn’t even thrown 30 touchdowns. Tannehill has also thrown 6 picks. Let’s try bringing that number down a bit Ryan. Iron Man Tannehill also played a whopping 12 games this season. No wonder why the Dolphins dumped him for Ryan Fitzpatrick (heard of him?).

Aaron Rodgers. Oh Aaron, the NFL’s golden boy. 4,002 yards…is this a joke to you Aaron? Jameis Winston threw for over 5,000. Be better. 4 total interceptions? Maybe try taking a risk once dude. He’s so conservative he could have played for the New Jersey Generals (think about it, let it sink in, google if needed). Rodgers has 3 fumbles this year. Put down the greasy white cheddar cheese curds (he could be a mozzarella stick guy but I doubt it) and you probably wouldn’t drop the ball so much. Dry hands might help you with that atrocious completion percentage too. Last but not least, he had 183 rushing yards this season. Lamar Jackson just called, he said you suck.

Jimmy Garoppolo has a 102.0 passer rating this season. When you consider that he could have had 158.3, that 102 looks like straight trash. He’s not even completing 70% of his passes and didn’t even crack 4,000 yards passing. 36 sacks!? Jimmy G goes down more often than Abella Danger. I won’t even comment on those 62 rushing yards this season, that’s how gross that stat is. Payton Manning once threw 55 touchdowns in a single season, Garoppolo mustered up just 27 this year.

Patrick Mahomes is so clearly on the decline. He’s on the wrong side of 24 years old. Compared to last year he has thrown about 1,000 less yards and half the amount of touchdowns. His passer rating is sitting at 105.3, nowhere near a 158.3, and his completion percentage (65.9%) makes me think all his passes are no look. Hard to win when you only throw 26 touchdowns Pat. Mahomes also has 5 picks and 2 fumbles, so I’m not sure if turnover machine is the right word, but I’m also not so sure that it’s not.

Adam Vinatieri is the NFL’s all time leading scorer. Adam Vinatieri is a kicker.

Don’t waste high draft picks on QB’s when below average quarterback play will do.

That damn yellow line

Oh that pesky yellow line. That officially unofficial yellow line which we live and die by when the game is on the line for our favorite team.

Someone needs to figure that shit out. It we can track and calculate information about kicks and golf balls flying through the air, in real time, like we’re attempting to land a space shuttle on a comet, we should be able to draw an accurate perpendicular line across a football field. I don’t have the answer, I’m not a math guy, but someone out there does (looking at you Bezos). It should be so simple to make that stupid line be exact, that the simplicity actually makes me head hurt. Elon Musk wants us to travel across the continent in a vacuum sealed, levitating tube traveling 500 miles per hour but I still have Joe Buck reminding me every single game that the damn yellow line is not accurate! Figure it out.

I’ve considered that this is some type of conspiracy. Just like how Big Pharma, Big Tobacco and Big Oil, aka the Reptilian Elite, are lurking in the shadows pulling stings across the world to get what they want (do your research sheeple!), so to is Big Yellow Line. But why? What would be the point? What is the Reptilian Overlord getting out of this? Does he thrive on our confusion and our twitter arguments where we compare different grainy screenshots of an unofficial line and the spot of the ball where maybe a knee or an elbow or a ball sack was down (advantage small penis)? If so, what’s his twitter handle? I just don’t understand the motive. How are they profiting off this? I understand the motive of Big Oil (sell more oil). Can Big Yellow Line sell more yellow lines? Who would want to buy those inaccurate pieces of shit? This isn’t making any sense.

Is it the NFL? Does the NFL want to keep us guessing? It would certainly keep them in the news and all over social media. All publicity is good publicity. Is Goodell smart enough to figure that out? Keep the yellow line off by a 1/4 inch and everyone will discuss the NFL constantly. Goodell can’t even handle blatantly obvious decisions though. So who in the NFL would have done this? The owners? Are the owners also Big Yellow Line? Jerry Jones is certainly Big Jerk Off Shoes, and Dan Snyder is Big Dumbass. This doesn’t sound out of the realm of possibilities.

All this tension between Iran and the United States. Did they figure out what was going on with the yellow line? Is Trump in on this? Trying to silence the whistle blowers? Trump was part of the USFL, did they have yellow line problems too? Maybe that’s where it started and he’s been helping to keep it under wraps. Why Iran though? How did they get to the bottom of this before anyone else? What teams do they like to watch in Iran? More questions than answers. What about the impeachment? The House must be sick of having an unofficial yellow line. AOC, noted huge football fan. They know removing Trump would expose everything. What’s the deal with the Senate though? Do they have a connection to the NFL? Are they part of Big Yellow Line?

Bernie Sanders must be sick of the line too. He’s been campaigning heavily in California. Coincidence? I don’t think so. The lizard people live in Mt. Shasta. California is their home base. Bernie would expose them. He would expose the reason for an inaccurate yellow line. This must mean Trump, the NFL Owners, and the Senate are all part of the Reptilian Elite. This conspiracy goes deep, balls deep.

I bet this is why weed is slowly being legalized. Think about it. Marijuana is now legal in Illinois. Makes sense right? Bears fans are pissed, they were supposed to be contenders and they didn’t even make the playoffs (lmfao). Who on earth would have more motivation to dig into the the unofficial yellow line, and compare to where the ball was spotted all season than a fan base reaching for reasons to claim they were screwed? All of sudden, in the middle of their investigations, here comes legal weed ready to make them lazy, hungry, and impaired. They’ll never figure it out now, they’re too busy getting high and satisfying the munchies with some deep dish. It’s crazy how much sense everything makes.

I know this sounds like the rambling of a mad man, but I will report back with proof. The unofficial yellow line could be official, but large, dark forces are keeping it from us.

Vikings fans, today we start boycotting Buffalo Wild Wings

Honestly I hate to do it. I love B-dubs. Their menu is outstanding, their wings are perfection, and I would drink their sauces with a straw. But for us suffering Viking fans, it may be time find a new place that has wings, beer, and sports. Why you ask? Because of this tweet.

Sure it seems harmless, they’re just offering a helping hand to a fan base going through a hard time. How nice of them. But you know what B-dubs? Baltimore fans weren’t the only ones testing the limits of their livers this weekend. The Ravens weren’t the only team who showed up looking like they would have been better off playing water polo. The Minnesota Vikings also crapped down their legs (shocker), and Viking fans also needed something to take a 6 decade edge off. But where were you when we needed you? The entire state of Minnesota and fans around the world were ready to consume debilitating amounts of your sweet nectar, but you failed to lend us a helping hand. You failed to invite us into your palace of wings and beer and sports. You forgot about us. When their were two sets of footprints in the snow, one of them wasn’t you guiding me to the closest wild wings. It was me and my buddy, lost, looking to drown our sorrows but with no place to go. When there was only one set of footprints in the snow, it wasn’t you carrying me to a plate up parmesan garlic wings and a tall boy. It was me, carrying my buddy.

You left us hanging B-dubs, and I don’t even think it was on purpose. It was simply an oversight. Maybe you figured we were use to this by now? Valid point, we are, but that doesn’t mean we want to be alone on nights like that. Everyone needs a friend. Everyone needs to be offered a beer.

I don’t have a solution to this problem. I don’t know of other places were I can get such crispy and juicy wings. I don’t know who else has mozzarella sticks breaded and cooked to perfection. And I definitely don’t know who else makes chili con queso that I want to bathe in. This I vow to you though, I will find the answers to these questions. Next year, when the Vikings break my heart, someone will welcome not just me, but every Minnesota Viking fan into their establishment with open arms, a warm hug, even warmer queso, and ice cold beer.

It’s not me, it’s you.

Michael Thomas shows up during the playoffs, but on Twitter

Michael Thomas (New Orleans Saints wide receiver I believe) appears to be a tad salty with the Minnesota Vikings.

Someone call Gordon Ramsay because Mike sprinkled a few too many grains of salt on his timeline. I mean damn, he hit with a 1/4 cup when all it asked for was a 1/4 tablespoon.

There is a lot to unpack here. I understand being frustrated with the team that beat you (I’m currently plotting my revenge against the 49ers, right now its between stealing everyone’s surfboards or going there and shopping with plastic bags) but don’t act like this was some kind of karma game. You lost fair and square dude. Minnesota showed up with a better game plan and made more plays than your team on every side of the ball. Taysom Hill should be mad, he had to call Tiger Woods’ doctor after the game to get his back fused after carrying the team. I also love that he pulled a little bit a LeBron here with the broken hand. Remember after the finals when LeBron said he was playing with a “pretty much” broken hand? It’s a nice card to play. Now he’s right, he did have 7 catches. Not a bad PPR game, not exactly a special NFL game. Does the XFL give you points for catches? The AAF? Someone check and let me know.

My favorite part is that he seems perfectly okay with getting a “head start” to the couch. I mean come on. This dude that tweeted at him brought up the only argument needed. You are watching football instead of playing! You lost, you’re out. Hard to trash talk a team playing in a playoff round that you didn’t make it to, especially the team that beat you. The Vikings might be on the couch now, but they played one week longer, which is a win for them even if they hadn’t actually played you and beat you. Another year, another tweet storm about the Vikings because they’re still playing. Beat us.

I’ll leave it with PA.

Bring back the moon

Oh Randy Moss, you truly are the GOAT.

COLLEGE FOOTBALL CENTRAL — Pictured: Randy Moss — Photo by: Victoria Will/Versus

No not that Randy Moss!

There he is. Glorious. Dripping with so much talent and swagger it almost pulled his pants right off. That man went out and grabbed 4 for 70 yards with 2 touchdowns as a road underdog, including a 34 yard game sealing score that was so spicy Randy had to pull his b-hole out in the midst of a Green Bay winter to cool it off. He should have pulled his balls out honestly, he would have been well within his rights after that game.

The Vikings were 6 point underdogs in Green Bay on that fine evening, and as we all know they pulled off a 31-17 upset. This afternoon they are 7 point underdogs in San Francisco, and if they plan on pulling of another upset, someone on the team better be ready to show some ass. I’m dead serious. Imagine the spark that would give, just a big white, black, or brown, FU to those hippy Californians in the stands. It would be electric. A shot of a Viking moon on the jumbotron would be a shot of life into the Vikings sideline. Imagine a deep ball to Diggs, maybe a 40 yard score, and then he saunters over to the goal post, bends over, and drops trou. It would give the front row a heart attack. That’s how you take control of a game. Sometimes you have to uncover and spread your cheeks before you can cover the spread. Maybe after a Dalvin Cook rushing touchdown, instead of selecting a lineman for a ball spike he selects a lineman for a little bit of ball showing. Pat Elflein seems like he would love to batwing the crowd. It gets the people going!

Al Michaels and Cris Collinsworth are calling the game. They better not be as prude as Joe Buck, who clearly has sex with a shirt on, because this game is going be a little R-rated.

Winston Churchill once said “Those who do not learn history are doomed to repeat it” and I for one don’t remember reading about the Moss Moon in a damn textbook.

Sometimes you have bend over to move forward.

Skol

Minnesota Vikings, XFL champions?

6 decades in the NFL, and not much to show for it. Despite some incredible teams, players, and coaches, a Super Bowl victory has thus far eluded the franchise. It feels wrong even bringing it up. It’s not like any fan has forgotten this fact, especially if they’ve had the uh…pleasure, I guess, of coming across a Packer fan. They’re always quick to force feed you, foie gras style, their 13 championship nonsense. No need Wisconsinites, stop in any bar or cemetery in the great state of Minnesota and you’ll know we haven’t forgotten our lack of Super Bowl success. You’ll be guaranteed to see something about “drinking to forget the Vikings” or “died waiting for the Vikings to win a ring” or the classic “buried by the Vikings so they could let me down one last time.” Maybe it’s finally time to change all that.

The new XFL rules were recently released and they took the football world by storm. Personally I couldn’t help but think, how would the Vikings perform in this new league with these new rules?

The double-forward pass: As it stands right now there is only one person on the team I trust throwing the ball, and that is Kirk Cousins (sorry Sean). We’ve seen Diggs toss the pigskin in a game recently and the thought of seeing it again makes me want to projectile vomit the bacon, egg, and cheese I just ate. To be honest, none of the skill guys throwing the ball gives me much confidence. Maybe this is where we trade to get Joe Webb back, or maybe we just stick to a single pass per play. Boring I know, but if BIG 10 teams can still have success while running the ball 35 times from under center with a fullback leading the way, the Vikings can survive without the double pass. Zim would probably shit his shorts if he saw his own team run that candy ass play anyway.

Point(s)-after touchdowns: Talk about a rule tailor made for the Vikings. Did they have a representative at the XFL meeting when rules were decided. You’re telling me we cannot use a kicker after a touchdown? Count me in, count me in a billion times over. This rule is an absolute win for the state of Minnesota. Sit down Dan! No need to hold my breath for what should be a chip shot every time we score a touchdown. Gone are the days when every none Viking fan in the room looks at me when one of our “Professional Football Kickers” (yea right) lines up for an extra point. This doesn’t solve our filed goal issue, but it’s one small step for the XFL, and one giant leap for cursed football teams.

The Kickoff: This makes me nervous. If you haven’t heard, the kickoffs in the XFL are designed to heavily encourage returns. Marwan Maalouf is a good special teams coordinator, but he’s still coaching the Vikings. To me this sets up Minnesota to have kickoff’s housed on them at an alarming rate. I don’t see any benefit here to the Vikings. And since Patterson left, they haven’t had a returner that’s truly a threat.

Punting: Ouch. Britton Colquitt has been having a great season, but the XFL wants to ruin that. No more coffin corners, encouraged returns, harder to down the ball deep near the end zone. All bad news for a team which is designed to run the ball, play defense, and rely on field position and time of possession. The Minnesota Vikings are the Wisconsin Badgers of the NFL. And again, no threat at returner to take advantage of the softer rules.

Overtime: Shut up Saints fans. No thank you. Nope, not interested in this all. I’ll take my one drive down the field, toss a TD to Kyle Rudolph on the goal line, and head to the showers.

Only one foot in bounds required for a catch: So we’re going to make Xavier Rhodes’ job even harder? Count me out. In fact, I’m going to drop on one knee and purpose we move in the opposite direction; both feet in bounds, both hands in bounds, and you need to lick the grass (talk about a football move). Let’s see that completion percentage when he’s the closest defender now.

Only two timeouts per half: Love it. Zimmer is not a clock guy, that’s no secret. So if he gets less opportunities to call bad timeouts, that sounds perfect. Some where Chiefs fans are celebrating too. Yea I just called you out Andy Reid.

Running clock and other tweaks to make the game quicker: This is personal. Less football? The XFL thought less football was a good idea? How about no clock? How about mandatory overtime? Maybe we should try innings? I don’t know, figure it out. Maybe the clock ticks down one second per play? Maybe it counts upwards like in soccer, and add on random amounts of extra time at the end when you think the game is over (surprise!). I want Bryson Dechambeau to handle the clock. Let’s slow this bitch down.

I actually love the XFL rules. We need more football, but we don’t necessarily need more of the NFL. The AAF was legitimately interesting and exciting at times. That being said, the type of football the XFL wants to see is not how the Vikings want to play, it would be an awkward fit. This is an old school team even in the NFL. They would be dinosaurs in the XFL.

For now let’s stay in the NFL and keep trying to win the big one, but if the XFL sticks around, I’m not too proud to celebrate and brag about being XFL champions in the future.