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Relocating The Minnesota Vikings

With the Raiders officially moving to Las Vegas (jealous), I started thinking. Remember when the there was a lot of talk about the Vikings relocating to Los Angeles? This was back in 2011 and 2012 before there was a deal in place to get a new stadium. Can you imagine? The Vikings following in the footstep of the Minneapolis Lakers? Disgusting. The Los Angeles Vikings? It makes me want to gouge my eyes out and punch myself in the back of the neck. It was a real fear though for many fans. The NFL wanted a team in L.A. because it’s such a great sports town apparently.

Wow, what a home field advantage. To get ready for home games the Los Angeles Rams have to practice with ear plugs in. How else could you duplicate the enthusiasm radiating from the stands? People in L.A. are too busy attending Lakers games and auditions for adult diaper commercials. You’re not going to get you big break watching football, but you might if you can crap your pants on camera and demonstrate how well this new diaper keeps everything in (we’ve all been there).

Since the Vikings are safe in Minnesota where they belong, I decided to find a few alternative options to Los Angeles where our favorite team could have made a nice new home.

Slab City, CA: A “city” full of hippies, homeless, drug addicts, crazies, and the weirdest damn people America has to offer doesn’t sound like the most ideal place for an NFL team, but could you imagine the pregames? That would be truly wild. There would be enough acid, crack, and magic mushrooms to take down a real city. A city with no rules? I call that the ultimate home field advantage. No need to worry about a lack of energy in the stadium as the smell of crack wafts through the stands.

Roswell, NM: Everyone knows Roswell if famous for its aliens. It should be the recruiting hotbed of America but its not because Aliens don’t care about Nick Sabans money. So if the Vikings set up shop here, there is an abundance of untapped potential. I won’t be easy, but after the Martians and other aliens learn the rules and regulations of American Football, not to mention the playbook, the Vikings could have a serious advantage. We don’t know what the little green men are capable of, but I’d like to find out on the football field.

Dudleytown, CT: This town sounds miserable, but that’s because I’m no fan of hauntings, ghosts, curses, or demons. I’m old fashioned I guess. I wouldn’t expect much of a crowd at the home games as “the most evil place on earth” could be a hard sell. If you think Aaron Rodgers and the Green Bay boys are getting a good night sleep in Dudleytown before their big game against the Vikings, you’re dead wrong. Do you think they can muster up a mediocre game of football after being tormented by ghosts and demons all night? No chance. Aaron will be trying to leave Dudleytown faster than his family dinners.

Alma, CO: You think the Broncos have an advantage playing in the Mile High City. Well the Vikings could have doubled that elevation and played in Alma, Colorado. Alma is the highest incorporated municipality in the United States with permanent residents. I’d love to see those poor Chicago Bears have to deal with the altitude. The Vikings would literally run circles around them as the Bears tried to catch their breath after running out of the tunnel. Bear weather? Don’t make me laugh, this is Viking altitude. Poor Mitch, he can hardly handle sea level.

Portland, OR: Portland boasts the highest number of strip clubs per capita in the U.S., a fact I found stunning. That’s a lot boobs and a lot of testosterone fueled men. How are they supposed to focus on the game when they know its amateur night. The thought of missing out on half priced drinks and fully naked newbies should make the defenses job a little easier. Kickers would have it the worst. They’re supposed to split the uprights, but they can’t stop thinking about Jasmine splitting her legs.

Lynchburg, TN: Home of the world famous Jack Daniels distillery. One does not simply travel to Lynchburg without getting plowed on Tennessee’s finest product. Good luck on Sundays with that whiskey hangover. Try pass blocking while burping up the taste of a burnt down oak tree mixed with spicy fire water (not a whiskey guy). It’s not going to go well when Hunter and Griff are coming at you full speed.

3 Mile Island, PA: This one would have taken some serious thought, but if it could have been pulled off, it would have been a game changer. Essentially my idea is just that the Vikings play in full radiation suites (designated home uniform), and the opposing team doesn’t. Should be hard to lose that game.

Orlando, FL: With more than a dozen theme parks and the most fast food restaurants per capita, Orlando is perfectly American. Vertigo induced vomiting and few extra lbs should help help the home team. That hot Florida sun will be sure to give you the meat sweats if you didn’t have them already. No better way to slow down the pass rush than a few too many double-doubles with animal fries, and a few trips on the Hollywood Rip Ride Rockit can’t hurt either. I’m picturing a specific Sandlot scene.

Football And Beer, The Perfect Combo (Craft Beer Sucks)

The only thing more hipster than craft beer, is giving your extra hopped, coffee flavored, jalapeno and kombucha infused, cherry lemonade “beer” an obscure, punny, or funny name. Now I love a bitter, spicy, lemon grass ice cream flavored can of loogie hot dog water as much as the next beard having, skinny jean wearing guy but enough is enough. I’m sure these drinks are selling like hot cakes at the abandoned Walmart punk rock concerts they were made for, but have we for gotten what beer was truly meant for? It was meant to be drank in bulk while watching over grown men beat the piss out of each other on Sundays so we could catch a nice buzz, enjoy the game, and forget Monday was looming.

There is no nostalgia with a bottle of mint ketchup and mustard IPA lager. They don’t brew these “beers” for us football fans, they brew them to say “hey look what I created!” Well you know what Zane? No one wants your fermented vomit lotion water. Craft beer has lost all connection with football, so I tried my best to restore that connection by matching some real beers with the football guy it was most likely created for.

Grumpy Bastard (Brandon Brewery): This beer is giving me Bill Belichick vibes. He hates the media, never seems happy about anything, and maybe cracks a smile when he wins the Super Bowl. If it’s not football, Bill does not give a shit. Does he have a father? Maybe, but it’s more likely he was assembled in a football lab.

Blithering Idiot (Weyerbacher Brewing): Brewed in honor of Hue Jackson? Maybe? With 3-36-1 record he deserves it.

Santa’s Butt Porter (Ridgeway Brewing): When I saw this my first thought was Andy Reid and I’m sticking with my gut, and his giant butt.

Buttface Amber Ale (Ram Restaurant & Brewery): Nothing personal here, but Bill O’Brien has a butthole on his chin.

Panty Peeler (Midnight Sun Brewing): I mean come on. This is Matt LaFleur. This was his nickname in college.

Kilt Lifter (Four Peaks Brewing): Easily Sean McVay. Picture him in a kilt. I’ve never had a more clear image in my brain of anything. Why is he lifting it? Why the hell not?

Citra Ass Down (Against the Grain Brewery): This beer belongs to the entire Cleveland Browns organization and fan base for thinking you were going to the Super Bowl and then not even making the playoffs.

Banana Hammock (Crooked Hammock Brewery): Oh my Jon Gruden. Jon is the guy that gets into every hot tub with a banana hammock on, and never leaves for a vacation without two pairs in his luggage. He most likely has one hanging in his locker too, “just in case.”

Old Leghumper (Thirsty Dog Brewing): Jerry f-ing Jones. We know old Jerry has no problem jacking off into a pair of his favorite loafers, so dry humping some legs is likely well within his wheelhouse.

Hoptimus Prime (Ruckus Brewing): Nuk Hopkins is a great nickname, but Hoptimus Prime? Don’t even bother trying to cover him. The defense would be better off staying in bed on game day. Thank me later for the new nickname DeAndre.

Morning Wood (Funky Buddha Brewery): P.J. Fleck has the energy and excitement of someone constantly on cocaine and Redbull. He seems to always be going 1,000 mph, and anyone with that kind of energy and his positive attitude is guaranteed to wake up every morning with some wood that stems from pure elation for the day ahead. Just a happy hard on.

Horny Devil (AleSmith Brewing): We all saw David Tepper. While introducing his new head coach for the Carolina Panthers, Matt Rhule, Tepper casually grabbed his wife’s butt. Right in front of the press, plain as day, Tepper gets a handful of ass. This guy is horned up to the max. He’s a borderline Old Leghumper.

Hoppy Ending Pale Ale (Palo Alto Brewing): Talk about obvious. Someone tell Robert Kraft his beer is ready. I’m not sure if they brew these in an Asian massage parlor, but I know that’s where Mr. Kraft drinks them. Ales are known for being full bodied, but Mr. Kraft is known for getting his FULL body massaged.

Arrogant Bastard Ale (Stone Brewing): Hello Aaron Rodgers. Arrogance? Every time he opens his mouth. A father? Has one, but ask him and he’ll probably tell you he doesn’t.

The Great, Big Kentucky Sausage Fest (Against the Grain): Coach Ed Orgeron is Louisianian through and through. He sweats gumbo and poops crayfish. But if he hears great, big Kentucky sausage? His ears are perked and he’s finding it. Coach O hasn’t turned down a sausage once in his life, and I don’t blame him. Kentucky Sausage Festival? More like a normal day at the Orgeron house.

Blind Pig IPA (Russian River Brewing): This one is for the zebras on the field. They throw flags like they’re beads and it’s Mardi Gras, except instead of seeing boobs after, we just see how dumb and blind the refs actually are.

Blitzkrieg Hops Double IPA (Neshaminy Creek Brewing): This one goes out to the New Yorker Lions (formerly Braunschweig Lions), who apparently dominate the GFL (German Football League). I don’t know if they modeled their offense after the Blitzkrieg war strategy, but whatever they did, it’s working.

Polygamy Porter (Wasatch Brewery): Looking right at the Utah Utes for this one. Clean cut, straight forward, and simple.

Imagine Caring About A Regular Season Game

I know that this is a Minnesota Vikings blog, but I need to get a few NBA things off my chest. I’d also like to confess something to my readers that love all Minnesota sports. I am a Lakers fan, and I’d like to apologize if you feel used, deceived, or led astray. Just think about it this way; the Los Angeles Lakers started as the Minneapolis Lakers. So while your reading my blogs in a seedy, hourly motel, texting the Timberwolves that your working late again, wondering if they are going to burst through the door and catch you eyeballs deep in your laptop, just remember that the Lakers were the original Minnesota basketball team. We’re not so different after all.

In case you didn’t hear, the Boston Celtics won the NBA Finals on Monday night after tossing the Lakers salad to the tune of a 139 to 107 victory. The Lakers finish the season with a 34-9 record. Hold on a minute (mental math: 34+9=43). Sorry for the confusion, the Boston Celtics beat the Los Angeles Lakers last night in a meaningless game about halfway through the regular season.

Despite not winning the Finals I would still advise avoiding downtown Boston today because they may be throwing a parade to celebrate their win over the Lakers. I’d expect bars to be full and offices to be as empty as the liquor store shelves. This was the Celtics’ Super Bowl. Be on the lookout for Tom Brady and Gronk too, I’m sure they will make an appearance. Gronk will probably spike a Lego LeBron James head. Riot police, prepare yourselves.

I’m trying to understand their excitement but when you’re basically guaranteed another Lakers championship this year it’s hard to get too worked up in the regular season. I guess since they know they won’t even make it to the Eastern Conference Finals, beating a bitter rival is about as good as it get this season. And it was definitely a good beating. They trampled an injured Anthony Davis, an injured Rajon Rondo, and a disinterested LeBron James.

And I didn’t wanna write a blog because I didn’t want anyone thinking I still cared, I don’t, but you still hit my timeline up so this is my response I’m sending you, I hope you read it.

I wish we could run circles around you in the finals but unfortunately we have a date with The Greek Freak. We might meet again in a meaningful series, but not until you upgrade that roster. Imagine not having two of the best players in the world on your roster. Couldn’t be me.

So enjoy your day. Pop some champagne for me, eat some cake, release the confetti, tip a car over, whatever you want, the day is yours, you’ve earned it after that win. The Lakers have their eyes on grander goals, sorry we looked right over you.

“But what about the Clippers!?!?” they ask. Here is a live look at the LA Clippers right now…

What a joke.

The Minnesota Vikings Are Now Hiring!

Offensive and Defensive Coordinators

Company Overview: The Minnesota Vikings are located in Eagan, Minnesota at the state-of-the-art TCO Performance Center. The Vikings play football in the incredible U.S. Bank Stadium venue located in Minneapolis, Minnesota. Our facilities are the best in the NFL. The franchise has never won a Super Bowl and hasn’t been to one since the 70’s. The Vikings are desperate to reverse their fortunes. With a loyal fan base, fantastic owners, experienced coaches, and a talented core intact, the Minnesota Vikings are ready to be atop the NFL. We are looking for talented and experienced individuals to helps us get over the hump.

Job Overview: Must be able to utilize roster talent to produce a top 10 offense or defense. Defensive Coordinators will not be allowed to call plays but will need to be integral in game planning and scheming. Offensive Coordinators will be required to run an old school, run first offense. We expect approximately two thirds of the offensive play calls to be runs, and every first down play should be a run. Offensive Coordinators will be in charge of a talented but fickle and inconsistent quarterback, as well as a stud running back and two stud wide receivers. The wide receivers will not be heavily utilized. The Defensive Coordinator will be expected to improved the run and pass defense despite a lack of talent at cornerback. Both Coordinators will have a very limited budget to work with. Work will be 5 to 6 days a week with long hours expected. Environment is fast paced, high stakes, and stressful. Sundays, Thursdays, and Mondays must be kept open. Failure is not an option, but we are used to it.

Responsibilities:

Game planning and scheming
Implement a new offense to fit the skills of Kirk Cousins and mask his weaknesses
Play calling (Offense only)
Develop talent, i.e. first round wide receivers and all cornerbacks
Help scout new talent
Devote your life to beating the Green Bay Packers
Do everything in your power to help win at Soldier Field
Provide analysis and opinions on possible draft picks and free agent signings
Work within a tight budget
Limited creativity is a must
May need to be used as a scapegoat for a struggling offense or defense

Required Skills and Experience:

Prior experience calling offensive plays, especially run plays with a fullback
Experience with highly talented and versatile running backs
Prior experience under-utilizing talented wide receivers who may get mad you
Prior coordinator or head coaching experience (college or professional)
Experience working with a quarterback who has a limited skill set, panics under pressure, but can make all the throws
Experience working with an offensive line that is about as useful as abstinence was for the Virgin Mary.
Experience working with and developing young cornerbacks
Experience working with corner backs who have or could have earned the slogan “rhodes open”
Prior scouting experience is preferred
Proven success drafting first round wide receivers preferred
Has had prior success in professional or college football (does not include winning the Little Caesars Pizza Bowl, or similar Bowls)
Run first mentality on offense
NFL Playoff experience preferred
Must love defensive back but has experience with successful run defense
Experience with the Zone Run scheme
Experience working with top tier linebackers preferred

Benefits:

Health insurance
Dental insurance
Vision insurance
Retirement plan
Paid time off

This position reports directly to the Minnesota Vikings Head Coach, Michael Zimmer. You will work under him but in a collaborative effort to achieve the ultimate goal for this organization, which is to win a Super Bowl.

Hey Amazon, Learn Physics You Turds

According to Amazon Web Services, Aaron Rodgers can defy physics. According to me, Amazon Web Services should stick to package delivery since my two day delivery always takes three days. I wouldn’t jump into science when you can’t handle the mail. Here is the video I’m referring to.

Now they listed some fancy measurements and probabilities in the video and I’m sure they’re all accurate, but they don’t exactly defy physics. In fact, nothing in the video does. Here’s some proof Amazon, you dummies.

The mere fact that Rodgers is running is proof that at least some physics is working properly. He’s able to apply force into the ground to push himself in the direction he wants to go. Watch him right after the ball leaves his hands. He’s falling backwards and gets pushed. Shockingly he falls straight onto the ground, almost like gravity was pulling him down. Sorry Amazon, your superman still falls into the dirt just like the rest of us. Oh yea, he was also able to THROW the ball. So he was able to apply a force to the ball and put it in motion. Newtons Laws of Motion, read a book Amazon.

The video does a nice job at showing the arc of the ball. Yes, the ball travels in an arc, kind of like gravity is pulling it down after Rodgers threw it into the air. If Rodgers had truly defied physics that ball would have just kept flying forever (overthrow much?). Unfortunately it falls right back to earth, which is exactly what would happen if I threw it, and I am but a mortal, a muggle if you will. Friction, gravity, air resistance, normal forces, the laws of motion, everything seems to be working properly.

But wait, does he not still completes the ball even though the Catch Probability is only 19.3%? He sure does. Aaron Rodgers defied probability, but get off his jock Amazon. Your king is just like the rest of us. Your hero is bound by the laws of physics.

It’s a simple game. You kick the ball, you throw that ball, and you catch the ball (name that movie). Aaron threw the ball, some dude caught it. A difficult paly? Certainly. Miraculous? Hardly. Without physics that play would have been a bigger shit show than the NFC Championship Game.

Please excuse my shots at Rodgers and the Packers, this blog was meant to call out Amazon. Yeah you heard me Bezos. Maybe when you have a break from sending awkward messages to your “alive girl” you could focus a little more on getting people’s packages to them on time and a little less on grandiose statements about Aaron Rodgers.

All I want from you Amazon is to be a good mailman, or mailwoman, it is 2020 after all. Maybe Amazon Web Services can defy the inevitable and not screw up my order. “Defies physics,” smh.

Follow me on Twitter @ZimNeedsANewOC for the latest blogs and smart ass remarks.

Matt LaFleur Is Too Hot To Win The Big Game

Who the hell does this guy think he is? Hey Matt, this is the NFL bud, not the Lingerie Football League. Who are you trying to impress? Maybe if you spent a little less time in the salon and a little more time working on the game plan you wouldn’t have three losses. I’ve heard he puts a mirror inside of his play calling sheet so he can look at himself. At halftime he heads directly to the bathroom to straighten his hair and floss his teeth. What a diva.

You who wins the big game? Bill Belichick.

New England Patriots head coach Bill Belichick stands on the field before an NFL football game against the Houston Texans Thursday, Sept. 22, 2016, in Foxborough, Mass. (AP Photo/Elise Amendola)

Turned on yet? Me neither, but Bill doesn’t care. As long as his sweatshirt sleeves are cut off he could care less if he has a few hairs out of place or if the ladies in the stands are throwing their underwear at him. Meanwhile Matt’s stalking the sidelines filling up Hefty bags with the underwear being chucked at him while his defense gets the ball ran down their throat. Sure his teeth look like they were placed in his mouth by an angel, but that doesn’t help his defense. Sometime in your life you hit a crossroads, and Matt LaFleur needs to decide if his future is in the NFL or its posting Instagram thirst traps in shorts so short and so tight that he’ll need to blur his crotch so his photos aren’t taken down.

You can’t upstage your players, especially your quarterback. It’s bad for team morale, and LaFleur is out here looking like the prom king trying to lead the tuba section into battle. You know who was a great leader? Winston Churchill.

He probably was never going to win sexiest man alive, but that didn’t stop him from leading Britain to victory in WWII. Churchill won the big one and he didn’t care that his BMI was far from perfect. LaFleur is just trying to get to the big one but he’s so focused on breaking his Peloton records he has no plan to slow down Jimmy G or Nick Bosa.

Matt LaFleur should take a lesson from another stunning coach, Sean McVay. McVay managed to get his team to the Super Bowl despite looking like he belongs on the cover of Playgirl. But as we all know, it caught up to him. In the Super Bowl it seemed like the Rams offense was more than little distracted by his beauty as they managed a mere 3 points. Sometimes less is more, and in McVay’s situation less grooming and less makeup would have done him some good.

LaFleur, what is that French? Suits him well if it is, he looks like he belongs in Paris sipping Grand Marnier under the Eiffel Tower. Maybe a club in Ligue 1 is looking for a new coach. That’s the type of football a hot guy can coach.

Here’s my advice to you Coach LaFleur. Put on some weight, starting going to Great Clips, stop exercising, sweat more, brush your teeth less, and stop dressing to impress. Try to look more like this.

Dip yourself in garlic butter pregame, and don’t forget the last Green Bay coach to win the Super Bowl.

Sex.

Music To Be Murdered By: A glimpse inside the mind of a disturbed Lions fan

Three quick facts to give you a peek into the mind of G Spot Sneakers (you know, me, the author). First, I am a Teddy Bridgewater stan. Second, I absolutely love the Vikings. Third, I am an Eminem stan. Now enough about me.

It makes me nauseous (okay just a little bit more about me) when people try to critique rap music. Everyone online always sounds so douchey talking about rhyme schemes, and flow, and beats, and bars. Ugh. Some things just hit peoples ears and minds differently. This isn’t an album critique. I really enjoyed MTBMB. My opinion, humbly, is that it’s not his best but not his worst, and I will certainly bump it while driving around, which really should be the barometer for all music. Will you crank this while driving? For me it’s a yes.

Now I happen to think the timing of this album drop is highly suspicious: right before the Conference Championship games. It is well known that Slim Shady is a big Detroit Lions fan, even serving as their honorary captain for a game in 2018. Personally, if I were a Lions fan I would be rapping about murders, guns, and violence too.

3-12-1, yikes. You can’t blame shady for his lyrics, the dudes a pissed fan. He had to suffer through another season of the Detroit Lions doing their absolute best Cleveland Browns imitation. He’s watching the playoffs knowing full well that it’s going to be years before his team will be there. “Stepdad” is probably about Matt Patricia. Patricia is the stepdad abusing Marshall with consistently shitty football and Shady is getting ready to hit him with a bat and bury him. Cannot blame him. The Lions have played some disgusting ball in their recent history and Patricia hasn’t helped that one bit. Two years as head coach and two last place finishes in the division. A division that boasts Mitch Trubisky as a starting QB (gross).

If the Lions continue with their shady seasons will we get a Slim album every playoffs? Count me in (like I said, stan). He’s got nothing to do on Sundays but write and record. He’s not going to watch a Honolulu blue and silver titanic like disaster on 85 inches of 4K UHD that’s for sure. You can’t watch a Lions game with that kind of clarity. He has to be sick of Stafford being both the best and worst quarterback in the league every game. If the Vikings lost to the Raiders, Redskins, Broncos, and Buccaneers I’d pick up a pad and a pen too. I might not turn out an album like MTBMB, but you can bet your ass there is going to be some shocking and violent lyrics in it.

The Lions play on the football field is clearly disturbing Eminem. His talk of killing and abuse is a cry for better football. The Lions are tormenting him and he lashes out with rhymes. I’m seeing a pattern here too. This is not an isolated incident. Look the at the late 90’s and early 2000’s when Shady burst on to the scene with some of his most shocking, violent, and disturbing lyrics. To say the Lions were a dumpster fire in this era is putting it mildly. They were more like that flaccid bag of dicks that AB lazily tossed into the street, if that bag was then run over by a garbage truck which afterwords accidentally dropped a bit of garbage onto said bag on dicks.

The Lions need to turn this around. Marshall is unwell. His pain and anger and frustration are so obvious. Detroit, play better football, help Eminem out.

The BIG3 Is Incredible

Despite what the BIG3 says, it is coming for the NBA’s ass, and it is coming hard. These new rules are awesome. I don’t know who is in charge of updating rules or coming up with these creative ideas, but they need a damn raise. Give them all the money. Xzibit may have hosted Pimp My Ride, but Ice Cube is out here trying to start Pimp My Sport. His first challenge, the NBA. Well consider basketball pimped.

From its inception the BIG3 has been an exciting product. They created a dream situation of 3 on 3 basketball with great players who have a lot left in the tank but just can’t quite make it in an 82 game NBA season anymore. Not to mention exciting innovations like the 4 point shot, a single free-throw for a foul worth the number of points for the attempted field goal, coaches challenges, and a 14-second shot clock.

In its first three years the BIG3 has clearly amped up traditional 3 on 3 basketball. For the leagues fourth year they decided to amp up the league further by dumping a Four Loko and Bang Energy slurry on it.

Here are some changes for the upcoming year listed on the leagues website.

Bring the Fire – Once per half, a team can challenge a foul call resulting in an in-game one-on-one possession with the victor winning the call.
All Athletes Welcome – The BIG3 will hold open tryouts for athletes to qualify for the BIG3 combine. Professional basketball experience no longer required. The BIG3 wants the best athletes in the world regardless of sporting experience. In the same manner as the NFL takes the best from various sports, this could mean two-sport athletes, overlooked basketball stars, and some athletes choosing FIREBALL3 over other sports (i.e. NFL tight ends).
Festivals Every Saturday – Following the thrill and success of BIG3 Ballout in Dallas last season, the BIG3 will host sports and entertainment festivals in a different city every Saturday during the summer. The BIG3 will present six straight games, musical performances, and host YOUNG3 clinics in the local community the Friday before, as well as other weekend events in the city.

“Bring the Fire” sounds fucking awesome. A one-on-one possession to determine who wins the call is an absolute heater of a rule. Serious props to whatever genius thought of this. Talk about cranking up the intensity in the middle of a game. This rule is going to be the leagues best innovation by far, and it is going to be a legit game changer. We are going to see some one-on-one WARS.

Welcoming all athletes is another incredible brainchild. It was cool to see ex NBA players go at it, but now we could see a Calvin Johnson, Chad Johnson, and Luke Kuechly squad taking on former pro basketball players. Terrell Owens in the BIG3? Give it to me. Mike Vick in the BIG3? Shove it in my face. The Rock in the BIG3? Get that inside of me. Tons of athletes out there could have played multiple sports, and now were going to see them get their shot at professional FIREBALL3.

Some 3 on 3 FIREBALL and a party to go with it? Hell yea.

Well done BIG3, seriously bravo.

Give me a follow on Twitter, @ZimNeedsANewOC for more content and the latest blogs.

#Buzzergate in the NBA?

So it looks like NBA players are wearing buzzers too.

That’s the real question isn’t it. Why would an NBA player need to where a buzzer? What kind of information is being relayed to them? Before you make up your mind and decide that NBA players are definitively not wearing some type of buzzer, let me direct your eyes to something.

King James himself wearing a wire under his Lakers jersey. A wire that appears to be going right up to his nipple, delivering a nice sensual buzz every time one of his coaches want to alert him of something. I don’t kink shame. Some people like nipple clamps and some low voltage electricity in the bedroom, but LeBron does his love making on the court. This explains why LeBron was happy to flash his dick in the 2015 NBA finals, but much like Altuve he keeps his nips under wraps. If James can play world class basketball with jumper cables on his nipples, imagine what it takes to really get him going between the sheets.

We’ve established that clearly LeBron does wear a buzzer, but we can only speculate on what his coaches are trying to signal him? When to shoot? Definitely possible. When he is help defense? Potentially. When someone is setting a screen on him? Could be. When his teammates are about to screw up? Unlikely, otherwise he would have been electrocuted to death last year. It’s hard to say exactly what advantage its giving him but it’s certainly working as the Lakers has the 2nd best record in the league.

I don’t think it’s a coincidence that Alex Cora and LeBron James both played in Cleveland in 2005 and now are both part of #Buzzergate. They hatched their master plans 15 years ago and we are just now finding out. This scandal now involves two major sports. What’s next? The Patriots are illegally using video cameras to steal signs too? Seems unlikely but you never know.

The NBA needs to figure out how long this has been going on. Does the league need to take away the only good thing that’s ever happened to the city of Cleveland? The city would probably burn itself down if that happened. I don’t know if we would notice the difference but it sounds dangerous. What about the Miami titles? D Wade gets his booty eaten nonstop so we know a nipple buzzer wouldn’t phase him. He could easily be in on this too.

As fans of the Association we should demand a report from Adam Silver. Who knows how the landscape of the league could have been different if there weren’t cheaters out there. At least we know there are some honest teams in the NBA like the Kings, the Hawks, the Knicks, the Hornets, the Pistons, the Magic, and the Timberwolves. Thank you for your honesty, and your courage, and for standing up to deception and dishonesty, even if it meant being a dumpster fire.

We’re on to you LeBron, and your pal Alex Cora. Might want to keep the nipple buzzers in the sex drawer from now on.

Larry Fitzgerald: Likely Bionic Man Is Back For Another Year

Will Larry Fitzgerald become the first NFL player granted permission to to use a golf cart on the field? Man I hope so.

Fitzgerald has been playing in the NFL since 2004 and recently signed another deal to come back and play his 17th season with the Arizona Cardinals. 17 years in the NFL is an incredible achievement at any position, but when you consider that he’s a wide receiver, it’s even more impressive. In all of those years he hasn’t played in less than 13 games, and he was still producing in his 16th season.

If the Minnesota Vikings were in need of a wide receiver I’d strongly consider trading a first round pick for a 36 year old Larry Fitzgerald. Next season he’ll be 37 and I guarantee he will be producing better numbers than 3 out of our last 4 first round receivers ever did. The Vikings trying to select a receiver in the first round is like a blindfolded witness picking a criminal out of a lineup.

The fact that Fitzgerald can still win in a league where younger consistently beats out older is crazy. The fact that he never gets hurt even after 16 seasons of taking hits while snagging balls over the middle is crazier. Craziest? That he wants to do it all again at age 37. Seriously, what is wrong with this guy? I’d like to test his blood, give him a CT scan, and then hit him with some X-rays. Specifically I want to check if he’s made of adamantium or if he has any robotic parts inside of him. What the hell is in the Arizona water? I know its a dry heat down there but that shouldn’t make you part alien. There should be an investigation to see if there is some kind BALCO lab down there. Now I’m not suggesting he uses PEDs, but I am suggesting that he has had bionic transplants.

Even with his robotic skeleton he can’t keep this up forever can he? Eventually the machine has to breakdown. With that in mind I’d like to think that if his joints start to rust out the NFL would be kind enough to let the legend use a golf cart while he’s playing. At the very minimum he should be allowed to use a bird scooter when his bearings start to fail.

The PGA of all organizations let John Daly use a golf cart in the 2019 PGA Championship. Professional golf, one of the snobbiest sports and organizations around let this happen.

Photo: Michael Wyke/For The Chronicle.
https://www.chron.com/sports/golf/article/John-Daly-pulls-out-of-final-day-of-Insperity-12892639.php

And if the PGA can do that, then the NFL can let old man Fitzgerald run a fade on a bird scooter (motor a fade?). They don’t have to change any of the rules for him, but give the guy a break. Make his life a little easier, and let him catch slants while going full throttle in Daly’s golf cart. It’s going be his 17TH SEASON! Let him make it his first gas powered season. I would’t mind seeing a few cornerback hood ornaments. Fine, review it for offensive pass interference, doesn’t change the fact that he’s cleaning Eli Apple off his windshield.

Hope you got plenty of washer fluid Larry. May your season be filled with 4-wheel drive and power steering.