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Packers Gearing Up For Another Season By Paying A Kicker $13 Million

Signing a 35 year old kicker to a three year deal worth $13 million? Couldn’t be me.

The Packers should be trying to design their roster to take some of the load off of their aging, slightly washed quarterback. Instead they decided to pay a kicker. Talk about on brand for a team that drafted a punter in the 5th round. Look out world, Green Bay is going to punt, ~~pass~~, and kick their way to a disappointing playoff exit.

What the hell is going on in Green Bay? Who runs this team, an ex-kicker or an ex-punter? Spend that cash on a wide receiver or three so you don’t have to keep flanking Davante Adams with two AAF caliber pass catchers.

If Allen Lazard was still “salty” about not making it to the Super Bowl, (for some reason he expected them to get there) then this move should make him sweat NaCl because investing serious coin in a kicker ain’t getting you any closer.

What’s next? Are they going to draft a holder? Maybe draft an overweight, fat, out of shape running back. RUNning back. A back, whose job is to run. But make sure he’s extra chubby, because that should make his job easier.

Put down the Spotted Cow and beer cheese Green Bay, you’re drunk.

Third highest paid kicker in the league, cbm.

Skol.

Marshawn Lynch In Westworld???

According to a recent ESPN article, Marshawn Lynch has a “pretty substantial role” in HBO’s “Westworld.”

This didn’t come from out of left field, this came from fucking Andromeda. The left field of Andromeda to be exact. If you’ve never seen Westworld, go check it, and then you’ll understand my bewilderment. I love Marshawn (doesn’t everyone?) but this is a pairing more confusing than dipping french fries in ice cream, more shocking than mayochup. He seems like he’d be a better fit for a Judd Apatow movie, or maybe costarring with Johnny Knoxville, Woody Harrelson, and Chris Tucker in some strange crossover we didn’t know we needed.

It’s hard to imagine Beast Mode in a role that isn’t goofy or doesn’t involve running “through a motherfuckers face.” I would have expected a quick cameo where he says “I’m just here so I don’t get fined” because after all, he’s typically been a man of few to zero words. When he does speak however, it’s been pure gold. He could take all of his soundbites and turn them into a platinum selling comedy album. When he opens his mouth, it’s a must listen event.

If you asked me to guess which prominent professional athlete would be acting in Westworld I would have blurted out “Kawhi Leonard” without absolutely zero hesitation. Kawhi is an android. He belongs on a Westworld basketball court so he can play all day, everyday, and flex on the chumps who think the can beat him. Kawhi definitely escaped from Westworld, and we need to escort him back to his home.

Beast Mode in Westworld. I love him, I love the show, let’s do this shit.

Top Ten Realistic (Kind Of) Trade Destinations For Stefon Diggs

FedEx for Denny Hamlin (proven winner)
Huston Roughnecks for P.J. Walker (cheap replacement QB?)
DC Defenders for Cardale Jones (cheap replacement QB??)
New York Mets for Tim Tebow (our very own Taysom Hill)
Cleveland Cavaliers for Kevin Love (he for sure wants out, could play in a few spots)
Beijing Ducks for Jeremy Lin and Xiaochuan Zhai (averaging 16 and 6, plus he’s 6’7″)
Maccabi Tel Aviv for Amar’e Stoudemire (he’s still got some left in the tank)
Colorado Rockies for Nolan Arenado (they’re going to move him before he opts out)
Green Bay Packers for some sharp white cheddar (delicious)
The Walsh family for Blair Walsh (just so we can fire his ass agian)

20 Reasons Chris Harris Jr. Should Come And Play For The Minnesota Vikings

0 cases of the corona virus have been reported in Minnesota.
Stefon Diggs seems to love it here!
It’s close to Canada, in case you like international travel.
You’ll be able to learn from our very own, Xavier Rhodes! Unless he gets cut of course (please cut him). He was once very good.
Minneapolis Sculpture Garden is the largest urban sculpture garden in the country. That’s pretty cool Chris. That’s pretty damn cool.
Minnesota was ranked as the safest state in America according to a 2019 WalletHub report.
Minnesota does not tax the sale of clothing and footwear. That’s awesome for a stylish guy like you.
Minnesota has more shoreline than California. Chris do you enjoy the beach? Of course you do, everyone does. Bring your winter jacket and wool blanket.
Purple can be a slimming color. Not that you need it! But it’s good to know you can put on a few pounds without it showing.
According to a 2019 Business Insider, Minnesota had the 38th lowest state income tax rates. You could do worse.
Lutefisk is popular with many Minnesotans. You might like it…
Minnesota state parks occupy more than 200 thousand hectares. I’ve heard you like camping and hiking.
Minnesota is one of the strongest states for education. Great place for kids!
Minnesota is an important milk producing state. Milk makes strong bones. Chris you play a dangerous sport. You’ll need our creamy, sweet, white nectar.
Great opportunities for hunting and fishing. Perfect for an avid outdoors man such as yourself.
Cold weather can boost your brain and strengthen your heart!
Mall of America, heard of it?
Spam comes from Minnesota. Again, you might like it…
Minnesota is centrally located, making travel to either coast or to the South quicker. I don’t know about you, but I hate long flights.
The Mayo Clinic, a word class medical center, is in Minnesota. Hopefully you won’t need it, but it’s good to have around.

Drew Brees Is Returning Just So He Can Try To Beat The Minnesota Vikings.

I guess he wants to “make another run at it.” Laughable. Drew just wants another shot at the Saints Stoppers. Well, come and get it little man.

Drew should have retired. There is still time, and I honestly hope he reconsiders.

On the off chance his sorry ass get back into the playoffs, he will be punched in the throat, again, by the Minnesota Vikings. I (Mens Wearhouse style) guarantee it. He can’t beat us. Impossible.

You’re not going to beat us by noodle arming 8 yard slants to Michael Thomas. By next year it’ll probably be 7 yard slants you old man. It didn’t work last season, it didn’t work in 2018, it wont work next season. What’s going to break first Drew? (Bane voice) Your spirit, or your body? How many times can you handle getting knocked out of the playoffs by the Vikings before you finally crack? Do you wake up in cold sweats after dreaming about us? Does Diggs haunt your dreams? Do you see Hunter every time you close your eye?

It’s time to call it a career, before Minnesota breaks you even further.

“Another run at it.” At what Drew!? At what!? You’re not running anywhere. Run home Drew. Run home and run home fast. You don’t want this smoke.

Skol

How I Would Make The Dunk Contest Better

Trampolines.

Have you ever watched Slam Ball? It is completely and utterly exhilarating. I don’t understand why it’s not the most watched sport in the world. It’s so fucking fun to watch. Go look it up on YouTube! But have a sock close by because you’re going to cum in your pants (no shame).

I want the dunk contest to take place on that exact court. I wouldn’t change a thing about it. Slam Ball is the reason I know God is real. He hath smiled upon us with this absolute beauty of a sport.

I’m sick of the best athletes in the world being limited by gravity. 9.8 N/Kg is bullshit, it’s too damn much. Sure jumping over Tacko Fall was awesome, but I can’t help but think that dunk was the peak. We’ve done all we can do. Is anyone going to come in and jump significantly higher than that? I doubt it. Tacko Fall is our dunk contest glass ceiling, and NBA players have been held down in this country for too long. They should be allowed to break through the barriers holding them back from success. Everyone else in America has an easy path to success, yet we refuse to let NBA players achieve true potential.

Let me say it again. Trampolines.

Dunking over Tacko Fall is going to look like an easy layup compared to dunking over freight trains and two story houses. It’s time to unleash the beast. Give these men trampolines.

Let. Go.

Erotic.

Put that shit inside me. That’s a 75/50 (Wade would probably give it a 48).

You know I’m right. Trampolines are the answer. Make the dunk contest great again.

Mankind has reached its fullest dunking potential in the currently constructed NBA dunk contest. It time to reach for the moon and dunk over stars.

NASCAR Needs To Race In The Rain

I drive my car in the rain and the snow all the time. It works just fine, I’ve never had an issue. When I get up at 7:00 AM to go to work (yea I have a job, what of it?) and see rain outside my window, I’ve never once received a call notifying me that work has been delayed or cancelled. Sure I wish that would happen, I’m not a crazy person, but it doesn’t. It has never happened, and it never will.

So you must understand my confusion when NASCAR stops a race every fifteen minutes because of some rain drops. If I can drive despite torrential downpour, then they can drive in the rain too.

“But they’re racing at 200 mph, on a slick surface!”

I. Don’t. Care. Make some adjustments. Slow down a little if you need to. Put on some different tires. I know damn well those pit crews could have four rain or snow tires on a car in about thirty seconds.

Seriously, just slap on some weather appropriate tires and slow down a little bit, but keep that shit going. My car cost me like $15,000 (sick brag), and I can race that bitch in the rain. I bet a NASCAR spoiler costs more money than my entire car. Some water should not be the downfall of a colossal event like the Daytona 500. The President was there for God’s sake. A little hydrogen and oxygen should not stop these space ships they’re racing.

Maybe they should bring an extra car in case of rain. A “rain car” is you will. Bring a rain Jeep for I care, just keep the action going. We have the technology.

Consider this my NASCAR manifesto. I refuse to stand ideally by while water shuts down the great American race. It’s time to make some changes.

Are You Kidding Me Tiger!?

Dont worry I’m done with the “poems” for this blog.

Not much to say about the performance today by Big Dick Eldrick. He was just bad. Couldn’t putt to save his life. His game never looked quite right after his hot round 1 front 9.

It’s hard to say why this course gave him so much trouble. He’s been truly excellent lately, and after an opening eagle it looked like it would be more of the same. But yesterday the car started to shake and make some noises. Maybe it was nothing? Maybe it would go away? Well it didn’t. Today all four wheels fell off while he was doing 90 on the freeway. Tiger crashed head on into a +5.

+5 isn’t a number you like to see around Tiger Woods unless your ordering pizzas, wings, or women with him and he tells you to go ahead and add 5 more to the order.

+5 is disgusting. Its disappointing, disheartening, and vile. I hope +5 dies. I hope +5 sleeps with the fishes tonight. What a piece of shit +5 is. It can catch the coronavirus for all I care, and Ebola! Die of dysentery bitch.

Sorry for the aggression. I’m still working through my anger. I have a 9 AM on Monday with my therapist. Some people have daddy issues, some people have spousal issues, I have Tiger issues.

Hopefully Tiger can put together a nice round tomorrow to get some confidence and momentum moving forward. His score will be nearly meaningless as it relates to the tournament, but I’d like to see him finish on a high note.

I probably wont watch tomorrow, I’ve lost interest. But I’ll check in, and I swear to God if I see a “+” next to his score…

I’ll need that 9 AM slot the rest of the week.

Valentine’s Day Sports Poems

LeBron James wears purple. Sometimes he dresses in yellow. Weed chills me out. But it didn’t make Dion Waiters feel too mellow.

Violets are nice. Roses are basic. Will Jameis Winston be good? He just got Lasik.

Roses are red. Violets are blue. Kirk Cousins is my quarterback. Sometimes he plays like poo.

Roses are red. Violets make me scoff. He took his team to the Super Bowl. But the Rams still overpaid Jared Goff.

Rose are red. I’m wearing a blue hat. I think a curve ball is coming. The Astros are banging a bat.

Roses are red. Receiving tulips is a jinx. Minnesota beat the Saints. Because Michael Thomas stinks.

Roses are red. Violets are blue. So is my head. ‘Cause Myles Garrett took my helmet too.

Violets are blue. Roses are red. Look out, that’s Myles Garrett! Make sure you protect your head.

Roses are red. Minnesota kickers make me feel blue. The Falcons can’t understand. They have Younghoe Koo.

Chickens are not red. Cows are not blue. Pigs say “oink.” Cody Parkey double doinked.

Roses are red. Football should be played in a dome. The Bears still suck. Because they took Trubisky instated of Pat Mahomes.

LeBron James. Anthony Davus. Best in the West. They hate us because they ain’t us.

Roses are red. Violets fill me with glee. No one sent Atlanta flowers. Despite being buried after leading 28 to 3.

Roses are red. Violets are blue and bold. Don’t pay Tom Brady. He’s fucking too old.

Mike Zimmer Needs To Lean How To Eat Ass Before Valentine’s Day

Rumor has it, Big Daddy Zim is dating this woman.

Her name: Katarina Elizabeth Miketin. Her beauty: unquestioned. My dick: Almost as hard as when Tiger Woods won the Masters last year.

Zim Dawg is 63 years old. Katarina Elizabeth Miketin is apparently 25 years younger. Let’s do some math. 63 – 25 = 38. If you are 38 years old, in the year 2020, you are right on the edge of being into ass eating. I’d say, in 2020, the cutoff is about 40. So Zimmer, who was basically born during the Great Depression, is way outside the demographic of people who are into the new butt munching fad. Zim’s generation is more into locked eyes, shirts on, missionary, with The Beatles playing softly in the background. When that generation tries spice things up one or two nights a year, they might try some reverse cowgirl or shirts off missionary (maybe even with a leg up if the Zinfandel has been flowing) Doggy style? More like Devil style. Save that for the sinners and the barbaric.

Valentine’s day is the day to spice things up, that’s no secret. If you’re going to impress and satisfy a lady under that age of 40 nowadays, you’re going to have to tongue punch some fart box. You’ll need to kiss the winking brown starfish. You have no choice but to taste the rusty sheriff’s badge.

Just like his defense, Zimmer is going to have to hit the “A” gap. Unlike his defense however, Zimmer has no idea how to do this properly. My advice: get on the world wide web, turn on private browsing mode, and watch some videos. It’s time to get into the nasty depths of the modern day internet. Don’t be afraid to watch some freaky shit (I can send some links to my favorites). Another piece of advice: have a light meal, save dessert until after, begin with a sensual shower to rinse everything off, and start slow.

Call me if you have any questions about eating the booty like groceries.

Skol.