NFL Uniform Rankings

From worst to first…

32. Chicago Bears (Worst)

31. Washington Redskins

30. San Francisco 49ers

29. Tampa Bay Buccaneers

28. Jacksonville Jaguars

27. New York Giants

26. Green Bay Packers

25. New York Jets

24. Carolina Panthers

23. New England Patriots

22. Houston Texans

21. Los Angeles Rams

20. Cleveland Browns

19. Detroit Lions

18. New Orleans Saints

17. Cincinnati Bengals

16. Indianapolis Colts

15. Arizona Cardinals

14. Minnesota Vikings

13. Tennessee Titans

12. Denver Broncos

11. Oakland Raiders

10. Kansas City Chiefs

09. Philadelphia Eagles

08. Atlanta Falcons

07. Buffalo Bills

06. Miami Dolphins

05. Pittsburgh Steelers

04. Dallas Cowboys

03. Los Angeles Chargers

02. Seattle Seahawks

01. Baltimore Ravens (Best)

If Minnesota Only Drafts Cornerbacks And Offensive Linemen, I’ll Be Happy.

Most people would consider a team drafting only two positions a bad draft strategy. ESPN would certainly give that team a big fat “F” on their draft report card, but if the Vikings did this, I wouldn’t hate it. I’d call it a bold draft strategy.

I realize their are some other areas of need, but I really don’t think a draft board full of offensive linemen and cornerbacks is that bad of an idea.

They could potentially lose three corners in free agency. Granted one of them was about as effective as a washing machine behind the wheel of an ambulance (his name rhymes with Xavier Rhodes) but still. There is a very realistic chance they will need to replace three corners, and I’m not sold on Mike Hughes yet either. It’s a passing league, and unlike the British in 1940, the Vikings can’t stop an aerial attack. This team needs cornerbacks, and it needs a lot of them. Even if they get Waynes or Alexander back, they still need more cornerbacks, so draft a shit load of them.

The offensive line was probably not as bad as the corners were last year, but it was close. Very close at times. Pat “The Welcome Mat” Elflein was an open door to Kirk last year, and there is a picture of Riley Reiff next to “average” in the dictionary. If condoms were as effective at blocking sperm as these two were at blocking the defense, you would strap on a Trojan when you wanted a pregnancy. I know Garrett Bradbury was a rookie, but of the five offensive linemen I only trust Brian Cormac O’Neill. So at a bare minimum the Minnesota Vikings should be trying to replace two of the five o-linemen.

Minimally, were looking at two corners and two linemen, but if I know the Vikings there are going to be some busts. Some big Rick Spielman nut busts (his name rhymes with Taquon Lreadwell). So just to play it safe, I vote to draft nothing but corners and offensive lineman.

What other position would really help this team win and get back into the playoffs? RB? Stacked. WR? Best duo in the league (don’t fucking @ me). TE? Solid. QB? Solid (*arguments begin). LB? Solid. D-Line? Questionable. DE? Solid if we get Griffen or Weatherly back. Safety? Solid even if Harris leaves. Special Teams? Nerds.

I think I’ve proved my point, but feel free to comment and argue with me.


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I See Way Too Much Porn On Twitter

Typically I stick to sports, or sports adjacent topics, but I need to vent.

I would estimate that 33.33% of the time I am on Twitter I see a dick and balls, and it’s terrible. 1 out of every 3 times I open up Twitter, I scroll across a cock. Sometimes it’s being sucked, sometimes it’s in an asshole, and sometimes it’s just there lurking, haunting me.

It needs to stop. I’m afraid to open up Twitter anywhere public. Last night I opened the app, refreshed it, and was forced to see some dude getting head. Imagine if I would have been at work when that happened. Then I’d be the creepy porn guy no one wants to eat lunch with.

If I wanted porn, I could find it by myself. I don’t need people on Twitter helping me out. I don’t need an NBA highlight video that turns into aggressive car sex halfway through. Let me watch LeBron and Zion dunk on chumps without having to see a facial from Slade “The Cherry Popper” Johnson in the process. Stop the madness.

“But what about the naked women that you get to see?!”

Yea that’s great and all but I’m not a 15 year old horn dog who jerks it thirteen times a day. I don’t need to see tits and ass constantly. In fact, I need a break. It is simply too much.

I never thought I said this, but enough with the tits.

If Zion Develops A Three Ball That’s Money From The Locker Room And Hits Up A Pizza Ranch, He Could Be As Good As Snacks Lee

Snacks is a big boy, that’s no secret, but he’s a big boy with a jumper that is “straight cash homie” from the opposing teams showers, and that was a secret until March 2nd 2020. It was a secret until he hit the shot heard ’round the world.

Video Credit: 5th Overtime,

With a name like Snacks it’s only fitting that he hit that shot from the concession stand. Stroking it from that range is just plain efficient, he’s never too far from the basket or the skittles (or peanut M&M’s, live your life, I don’t judge). I think I’ve watched that video 67 times already. It’s such an awesome and genuine moment. Watching that thick man shoot the lights outs and electrify the crowd naturally got me thinking about Zion Williamson. Probably the thickest, most exciting player in the NBA right now.

Zion and Snacks have a combination of BMI and shooting percentage you rarely see, but you love to watch.

Right now I got Snacks over Zion in a 1 on 1 game, solely based on his exquisite and unguardable range. If Zion wants to get the edge over Snacks he better start heaving three pointers from the team bus and stop at an all you can eat buffet to put on some lbs.

If I’ve learned one thing from these two kings, it’s that 3P% = (3P/3PA)*Mass.

My Hottest Takes (Sports and Other)

  1. Tom Brady is currently the most overrated player in the NFL.
  2. Fajitas are gross.
  3. Pineapple belongs on pizza.
  4. I would not draft Joe Burrow #1 overall, I wouldn’t even take him as the first QB.
  5. NFL football should always be played in a dome.
  6. NFL football and NBA Basketball > College (Except March Madness).
  7. The Nuggets are currently the most overrated team in basketball.
  8. Russell Wilson is the best QB in the NFL right now.
  9. Dr. Pepper is just BBQ water and its not very good.
  10. Oreos are a below average cookie without milk.
  11. MJ > LeBron
  12. Tech N9ne is the most underrated rapper of all time.
  13. Steve Nash should not have two MVPs.
  14. MLB All Star Game > NBA All Star Game > Pro Bowl.
  15. Home Run Derby > Dunk Contest.
  16. Curry > Westbrook > Lillard > Irving.
  17. The Nets will not win an NBA Championship with KD and Irving.
  18. Hockey is the best sport to watch in person.
  19. Mountain Dew Live Wire > Code Red > Mountain Dew Throwback > Other flavors.
  20. Eli Manning is a first ballot Hall of Famer.

Hot Take: Football Should Be Played In A Dome

Over the course of my life I have developed a variety of strong opinions and hot takes. These range from Oreos being a below average cookie without milk, to Tom Brady currently being the most overrated player in the NFL.

One of my absolute hottest takes is that NFL football should be played in a dome.

Settle down Green Bay fans. Settle down and build yourselves a real stadium where I don’t have to sit on cold hard bleachers like a pigeon at a high school football game. Build a stadium where I don’t have to be squeezed to death between two overweight drunk men who reek of PBR, sharp cheddar, and fryer oil. I’ve been to Lambeau, it should be bulldozed.

I’ve digressed a bit. The Packers just make me angry, but isn’t solely a shot a Green Bay.

Look, I hate the Saint with an unhealthy passion that keeps me up a night, but at least they play in a dome! I can respect that.

Excuse me for not wanting to freeze or sweat my ass off while I’m at a game. Excuse me for not wanting weather to affect the quality of the on-field product. I don’t think it’s absurd to want the game played at the absolute highest level it can be. Call me crazy but I don’t want the passing game to suffer because of snow or rain. I don’t want the fast players to be slowed down by a slick field. I don’t want the ball slipping through everyone’s hands. I don’t want to be rained on. I just want to watch a high quality game in comfort. Is that really too much to ask for?

Only hardos like football outside in the dead of winter, when it’s so cold even that flask of Jack you smuggled in will freeze solid. Sorry I like to be comfortable. Mankind has perfected indoors and now we want to watch and play professional sports outdoors? Ridiculous. It’s hard as hell to eat nachos with gloves on.

Put a roof over you fields. Weather should not be affecting professional sports. Not in 2020. We have air conditioning now, use it. Players will player better when they are comfortable. Fans pay an arm and a leg for tickets, they deserve to be comfortable.

Domes = Better football.


Minnesota Vikings 1st Round Pick: Michael Turk

A punter threw up 25 reps on the bench press!? Are you kidding me? FYI: no tight end or wide receiver beat that. This dude just sauntered into the NFL combine ready to punt the football around for a little while, and then decided to shit on two of the most talented position groups.

They asked Jalen Hurts if he would consider switching positions. It may be time to ask Michael Turk the same thing.

How much time does Michael Turk spend working on his upper body? My guess would be not as much as he works on his lower body. Not as much time as he spends working on his punting craft. Imagine if he dedicated himself to just getting swoll as fuck. Imagine he had been working and lifting like a linebacker or defensive lineman. He’d be a legitimate monster. Mini Hulk.

I see potential here. Pure, untapped, raw, grizzly potential. I don’t want him to punt, I want him to get jacked on barely legal, probably not healthy supplements and kick everyone’s ass on the field. Linebacker, tight end, safety, fullback, enforcer, the baddest mother fucker, he could do it all. If you draft this guy to punt, you’re a god damn idiot. You’re missing the bigger picture.

I want Mike The Machine to bully the defense when he’s on offense. I want Maniac Mike to impose his will on the offense when he’s playing defense. A Swiss Army knife? More like a Swiss Army chainsaw with the extra dick stomping attachment added on.

I’ve never wanted a player on my team more.

The Ultimate Rick Spielman Mock Draft

This is the draft Rick Spielman will have wet dreams about.

Round 1 pick: Trade it for a 2020 second round pick and a 2021 first round pick.

Round 2 first pick: Trade if for a 2020 third and a 2020 fourth.

Round 2 second pick: Trade it for a a 2020 second and a 2020 fifth.

Round 2 third pick: CB.

Round 3 first pick: Trade it for two 2020 fifth round picks.

Round 3 second pick: Trade it for a 2020 fourth and a 2020 sixth.

Round 4 first pick: OL.

Round 4 second pick: Trade if for three 2020 seventh round picks.

Round 4 third pick: Trade it for a 2020 fourth round and a 2020 7th round.

Round 4 fourth pick: DL.

Round 5 first pick: Trade it for two 2020 seventh round picks.

Round 5 second pick: Trade it for two 2020 seventh round picks.

Round 5 third pick: LB.

Round 6 first pick: Trade it for two 2020 seventh round picks.

Round 6 second pick: CB.

Round 7 first pick: WR

Round 7 second pick: QB

Round 7 third pick: OL

Round 7 fourth pick: DL

Round 7 fifth pick: LB

Round 7 sixth pick: S

Round 7 seventh pick: CB

Round 7 eighth pick: WR

Round 7 nineth pick: OL

Round 7 tenth pick: RB

Round 7 eleventh pick: S

Round 7 twelfth pick: DE

Stay Woke Baseball Fans, The Huston Astros Will Have A New Trick Up Their Sleeve

Check out this quote from a recent ESPN article.

J. League side Vissel Kobe have told fans not to sing, chant or wave flags in their season-opening clash with Yokohama FC in order to help contain the spread of coronavirus.

The Astros will steal this idea quicker than they steal a catchers sign in the ALCS.

Under the guise of safety the Astros will enact a ban on singing, chanting, flag waving, sign carrying, trash can banging, and shit talking. They will think they’ve outsmarted us. They will think they’ve beat us. They will attack you with fake reasons for the ban.

“It’s for your safety.” “It’s to stop the spread of the coronavirus.” “We’re just looking out for you.” “We’re doing our best to keep everyone safe.” “Do you want to die?!?” “You will die!!”

Don’t listen to them. They don’t care about you. They just don’t want to be embarrassed and continuously reminded that they are frauds.

So don’t worry about germs, bacteria, or viruses. Illnesses go away, but public humiliation lasts forever. You need to yell at the Huston players, you need to chant at them, you need to waive Houston Asterisks flags at their games, and bang on anything you can. Chirps are a must. If you’re a pitcher, drill them. If you go yard off a Huston pitcher, flip you bat into fucking orbit and drill their sign stealing satellites.

Just remember to wash your hands after your done will the public shaming.

Stay woke people, Huston will be coming for your freedom of speech.

Stefon Diggs Ain’t Leaving

Big Dick Rick Spielman to Diggs earlier today:

That’s what I’m talking about Slick Rick. He gets it. He laughed directly in the face of the idea of trading Diggs. He laughed in everyone’s big dumb faces.

Trade one of your best players, in his prime? Not in Ricks house. No fucking chance. He knows how good this passing game could be. He knows how dangerous this offense could be. Diggs is critical to the success of the offense. It’s a passing league folks, and guess what? Diggs is very good at catching passes.

So put away you Belichick GIF’s. Delete your photos of Diggs wearing your favorite team’s stupid uniforms. Stop overreacting to his tweets. Stop begging him to come play in your dumpy city. He’s not leaving.

You want a better receiver because all of yours suck? Maybe try drafting better. Try developing a player once.

It’s embarrassing watching all the thirsty fans out there in Diggs’ mentions, ready to risk it all to finally have a good player. Y’all look like a dog pacing around the dinner table, just hoping something falls from the sky and lands in your lap.

Here’s what you’re not getting

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