Typically I stick to sports, or sports adjacent topics, but I need to vent.
I would estimate that 33.33% of the time I am on Twitter I see a dick and balls, and it’s terrible. 1 out of every 3 times I open up Twitter, I scroll across a cock. Sometimes it’s being sucked, sometimes it’s in an asshole, and sometimes it’s just there lurking, haunting me.
It needs to stop. I’m afraid to open up Twitter anywhere public. Last night I opened the app, refreshed it, and was forced to see some dude getting head. Imagine if I would have been at work when that happened. Then I’d be the creepy porn guy no one wants to eat lunch with.
If I wanted porn, I could find it by myself. I don’t need people on Twitter helping me out. I don’t need an NBA highlight video that turns into aggressive car sex halfway through. Let me watch LeBron and Zion dunk on chumps without having to see a facial from Slade “The Cherry Popper” Johnson in the process. Stop the madness.
“But what about the naked women that you get to see?!”
Yea that’s great and all but I’m not a 15 year old horn dog who jerks it thirteen times a day. I don’t need to see tits and ass constantly. In fact, I need a break. It is simply too much.
I never thought I said this, but enough with the tits.
Snacks is a big boy, that’s no secret, but he’s a big boy with a jumper that is “straight cash homie” from the opposing teams showers, and that was a secret until March 2nd 2020. It was a secret until he hit the shot heard ’round the world.
With a name like Snacks it’s only fitting that he hit that shot from the concession stand. Stroking it from that range is just plain efficient, he’s never too far from the basket or the skittles (or peanut M&M’s, live your life, I don’t judge). I think I’ve watched that video 67 times already. It’s such an awesome and genuine moment. Watching that thick man shoot the lights outs and electrify the crowd naturally got me thinking about Zion Williamson. Probably the thickest, most exciting player in the NBA right now.
Zion and Snacks have a combination of BMI and shooting percentage you rarely see, but you love to watch.
Right now I got Snacks over Zion in a 1 on 1 game, solely based on his exquisite and unguardable range. If Zion wants to get the edge over Snacks he better start heaving three pointers from the team bus and stop at an all you can eat buffet to put on some lbs.
If I’ve learned one thing from these two kings, it’s that 3P% = (3P/3PA)*Mass.
Over the course of my life I have developed a variety of strong opinions and hot takes. These range from Oreos being a below average cookie without milk, to Tom Brady currently being the most overrated player in the NFL.
One of my absolute hottest takes is that NFL football should be played in a dome.
Settle down Green Bay fans. Settle down and build yourselves a real stadium where I don’t have to sit on cold hard bleachers like a pigeon at a high school football game. Build a stadium where I don’t have to be squeezed to death between two overweight drunk men who reek of PBR, sharp cheddar, and fryer oil. I’ve been to Lambeau, it should be bulldozed.
I’ve digressed a bit. The Packers just make me angry, but isn’t solely a shot a Green Bay.
Look, I hate the Saint with an unhealthy passion that keeps me up a night, but at least they play in a dome! I can respect that.
Excuse me for not wanting to freeze or sweat my ass off while I’m at a game. Excuse me for not wanting weather to affect the quality of the on-field product. I don’t think it’s absurd to want the game played at the absolute highest level it can be. Call me crazy but I don’t want the passing game to suffer because of snow or rain. I don’t want the fast players to be slowed down by a slick field. I don’t want the ball slipping through everyone’s hands. I don’t want to be rained on. I just want to watch a high quality game in comfort. Is that really too much to ask for?
Only hardos like football outside in the dead of winter, when it’s so cold even that flask of Jack you smuggled in will freeze solid. Sorry I like to be comfortable. Mankind has perfected indoors and now we want to watch and play professional sports outdoors? Ridiculous. It’s hard as hell to eat nachos with gloves on.
Put a roof over you fields. Weather should not be affecting professional sports. Not in 2020. We have air conditioning now, use it. Players will player better when they are comfortable. Fans pay an arm and a leg for tickets, they deserve to be comfortable.
A punter threw up 25 reps on the bench press!? Are you kidding me? FYI: no tight end or wide receiver beat that. This dude just sauntered into the NFL combine ready to punt the football around for a little while, and then decided to shit on two of the most talented position groups.
They asked Jalen Hurts if he would consider switching positions. It may be time to ask Michael Turk the same thing.
How much time does Michael Turk spend working on his upper body? My guess would be not as much as he works on his lower body. Not as much time as he spends working on his punting craft. Imagine if he dedicated himself to just getting swoll as fuck. Imagine he had been working and lifting like a linebacker or defensive lineman. He’d be a legitimate monster. Mini Hulk.
I see potential here. Pure, untapped, raw, grizzly potential. I don’t want him to punt, I want him to get jacked on barely legal, probably not healthy supplements and kick everyone’s ass on the field. Linebacker, tight end, safety, fullback, enforcer, the baddest mother fucker, he could do it all. If you draft this guy to punt, you’re a god damn idiot. You’re missing the bigger picture.
I want Mike The Machine to bully the defense when he’s on offense. I want Maniac Mike to impose his will on the offense when he’s playing defense. A Swiss Army knife? More like a Swiss Army chainsaw with the extra dick stomping attachment added on.
The Astros will steal this idea quicker than they steal a catchers sign in the ALCS.
Under the guise of safety the Astros will enact a ban on singing, chanting, flag waving, sign carrying, trash can banging, and shit talking. They will think they’ve outsmarted us. They will think they’ve beat us. They will attack you with fake reasons for the ban.
“It’s for your safety.” “It’s to stop the spread of the coronavirus.” “We’re just looking out for you.” “We’re doing our best to keep everyone safe.” “Do you want to die?!?” “You will die!!”
Don’t listen to them. They don’t care about you. They just don’t want to be embarrassed and continuously reminded that they are frauds.
So don’t worry about germs, bacteria, or viruses. Illnesses go away, but public humiliation lasts forever. You need to yell at the Huston players, you need to chant at them, you need to waive Houston Asterisks flags at their games, and bang on anything you can. Chirps are a must. If you’re a pitcher, drill them. If you go yard off a Huston pitcher, flip you bat into fucking orbit and drill their sign stealing satellites.
Just remember to wash your hands after your done will the public shaming.
Stay woke people, Huston will be coming for your freedom of speech.
That’s what I’m talking about Slick Rick. He gets it. He laughed directly in the face of the idea of trading Diggs. He laughed in everyone’s big dumb faces.
Trade one of your best players, in his prime? Not in Ricks house. No fucking chance. He knows how good this passing game could be. He knows how dangerous this offense could be. Diggs is critical to the success of the offense. It’s a passing league folks, and guess what? Diggs is very good at catching passes.
So put away you Belichick GIF’s. Delete your photos of Diggs wearing your favorite team’s stupid uniforms. Stop overreacting to his tweets. Stop begging him to come play in your dumpy city. He’s not leaving.
You want a better receiver because all of yours suck? Maybe try drafting better. Try developing a player once.
It’s embarrassing watching all the thirsty fans out there in Diggs’ mentions, ready to risk it all to finally have a good player. Y’all look like a dog pacing around the dinner table, just hoping something falls from the sky and lands in your lap.
Signing a 35 year old kicker to a three year deal worth $13 million? Couldn’t be me.
The Packers should be trying to design their roster to take some of the load off of their aging, slightly washed quarterback. Instead they decided to pay a kicker. Talk about on brand for a team that drafted a punter in the 5th round. Look out world, Green Bay is going to punt, pass, and kick their way to a disappointing playoff exit.
What the hell is going on in Green Bay? Who runs this team, an ex-kicker or an ex-punter? Spend that cash on a wide receiver or three so you don’t have to keep flanking Davante Adams with two AAF caliber pass catchers.
If Allen Lazard was still “salty” about not making it to the Super Bowl, (for some reason he expected them to get there) then this move should make him sweat NaCl because investing serious coin in a kicker ain’t getting you any closer.
What’s next? Are they going to draft a holder? Maybe draft an overweight, fat, out of shape running back. RUNning back. A back, whose job is to run. But make sure he’s extra chubby, because that should make his job easier.
Put down the Spotted Cow and beer cheese Green Bay, you’re drunk.
According to a recent ESPN article, Marshawn Lynch has a “pretty substantial role” in HBO’s “Westworld.”
This didn’t come from out of left field, this came from fucking Andromeda. The left field of Andromeda to be exact. If you’ve never seen Westworld, go check it, and then you’ll understand my bewilderment. I love Marshawn (doesn’t everyone?) but this is a pairing more confusing than dipping french fries in ice cream, more shocking than mayochup. He seems like he’d be a better fit for a Judd Apatow movie, or maybe costarring with Johnny Knoxville, Woody Harrelson, and Chris Tucker in some strange crossover we didn’t know we needed.
It’s hard to imagine Beast Mode in a role that isn’t goofy or doesn’t involve running “through a motherfuckers face.” I would have expected a quick cameo where he says “I’m just here so I don’t get fined” because after all, he’s typically been a man of few to zero words. When he does speak however, it’s been pure gold. He could take all of his soundbites and turn them into a platinum selling comedy album. When he opens his mouth, it’s a must listen event.
If you asked me to guess which prominent professional athlete would be acting in Westworld I would have blurted out “Kawhi Leonard” without absolutely zero hesitation. Kawhi is an android. He belongs on a Westworld basketball court so he can play all day, everyday, and flex on the chumps who think the can beat him. Kawhi definitely escaped from Westworld, and we need to escort him back to his home.
Beast Mode in Westworld. I love him, I love the show, let’s do this shit.