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The Minnesota Vikings Have An Eye For XFL Talent

According to a recent SI article, 23 former Vikings are on currently on XFL rosters. That seems like a lot. I don’t have any numbers to compare it to, so I’m going to assume that I’m right, and that it is a lot. I’m not sure how to feel about this. 23 former Vikings have washed out of the NFL.

The XFL is an exciting league, and it’s quite an accomplishment to be playing in it, but it’s not the NFL. If you’re playing in the XFL chances are you’re time in the NFL didn’t go as planned.

So does this mean the Vikings have an eye for G League or Triple-A level talent? That’s…great I guess. Good to know that 23 players who were on the Vikings couldn’t even make the practice squad on 31 other NFL teams. But hey, we sure can fill an XFL roster. Does that reflect poorly on the scouting department and the coaches who should be developing these players? I don’t know.

One thing I do know however, is that XFL players are not going to cut it. Especially not next season, when a good draft class and productive young players is going to be a necessity. The Minnesota Vikings are going to have a lot holes to fill this off season, and they’re not going to have a lot of money to use to plug those holes. The only way to reload for another playoff run is by getting significant production from young players who currently don’t have a large role, as well as from this upcoming draft class.

The Vikings can’t afford to be drafting and bringing in guys that are more suited for beer league hockey. Minnesota should not be a farm team to the XFL, that’s embarrassing. There are guys on that list who should have made an impact with the team but didn’t. So are the wrong guys being brought in? Are they not being developed? Are they not being given a chance (Jayron Kearse)?

Figure it out Minnesota! Otherwise you’ll be looking at a full rebuild soon if you can’t develop quality, starting, young talent. I would much rather see that zero former Vikings are playing JV football in the future.

My ego can’t take this. It’s hard enough to strut around as a Vikings fan without any Super Bowl wins. Imagine if one of my Packer fan friends saw this SI article? Talk about ridicule. This should be a stat that belongs to the Cleveland Browns, Miami Dolphins, or Detroit Lions, teams that should be demoted to the XFL.

I Guarantee That Whichever Team Wins The NBA All Star Game Will Not Realize It Right Away.

First off, I would like to congratulate the creator of the new All Star Game rules for uniting the internet. I would have thought that it would have been easier to unite Democrats and Republicans, or North Korea and South Korea, but here we are. Everyone on the world wide web is thoroughly confused about the new All Star Game scoring rules.

I feel like the only way to understand the new scoring is by having Nicolas Cage steal the Declaration of Independence and decode a riddle hidden on the back of it. As you read this I’m flipping through the Dead Sea Scrolls and reading the Rosetta Stone trying to look for clues that would help decipher the new scoring system.

I would rather try to explain what caused the 2008 financial crisis than explain the scoring rules. Every time I read them, I understand them less and get a little bit dumber.

I am certain that these rules will end up on a college midterm, probably in a calculus 3 class.

How are the players going to know what is going on? There is no way in hell they will know when the game is over. LeBron will hit a casual 13 foot jumper and all of a sudden the horn will go off as he walks back down the court getting ready to play defense softer than Nikola Jokić’s pudding body.

Do I need a protractor to figure this out? I don’t even know how to used a protractor!

I understand that they’re trying to honor Kobe Bryant by making these changes, and he was a VERY intelligent guy, but last time I checked, Kobe was a basketball player, not a NASA scientist. Kobe lived in the gym, not a chemistry lab. He was the father of 4 daughters, not of modern economics. This doesn’t need to be so complicated!

Someone was definitely high when they though of this. Only a stoned person would turn a single basketball game into three mini games with an awkward, poorly thought out ending that requires a tag team of Bill Nye and Neil deGrasse Tyson so understand. This game is a true wapatui of ideas.

I hope they can connect IBM Watson to the scoreboard.

Enjoy the game everyone and don’t forget your TI-84’s, you’ll need them.

Hey Cleveland, You Can Try To Build Minnesota East, But You Can’t Polish A Turd.

I fully understand trying to emulate the Minnesota Vikings. It’s a classy, successful organization with the best fans in the world and they get to play football in beautiful Minneapolis. There is a lot to be jealous of. But no matter how many of their coaches you hire, or try to hire, you won’t be able to replicate what they have.

You can hire Kevin Stefanski, Jeff Howard, Joe Woods, and Mike Priefer but you’ll never be the Vikings. Not even signing Sheldon Richardson will help. That must be a hard pill to swallow, but you have to understand that the Browns are, and always will be, a turd.

You’re located in Ohio, that’s an L. I could run my car off of Cleveland river water, that’s an L. You haven’t been to the playoffs since 2002, take another L. You’ve only had two winning season since 1999, L. You probably like chili on top of spaghetti, an abomination L. You took Baker Mayfield number one overall, L.

The list goes on and on.

George Paton had enough sense to run away from that dump and come back home to Minnesota. I don’t know what scared him away, maybe a tour of your city or the team facilities? Did you take him to skyline for a hot plate of roadkill, back sweat, spaghetti chili? In Minnesota we take people out for steaks during a business lunch, try that next time.

Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. I truly understand the effort, but you must know that it’s in vain. Your destiny is to be a bottom shelf, laughing stock football team stuck in a city about as desirable as Pripyat.

Enjoy 5-11.

Skol

If You Could Take One Player From Each Of Your Division Rivals, Who Would You Take?

This question has been going around Twitter a lot recently so I thought I’d give it a proper response. If you’re new here, and couldn’t tell by my twitter account or by the name of the blog, I am a Minnesota Vikings fan. This means I can pick one player from the Detroit Lions, Green Bay Packers, and the Chicago Bears.

The thought of adding any player from any of those teams gives me diarrhea and a migraine, but I’ve thought about it, and after painting the inside of my toilet bowl brown a few times I’ve made my decisions. It wasn’t easy. I went through a bottle of Excedrin and a 24 pack of Charmin Ultra Strong (I spend the extra money for the ultra strong so I don’t end up wiping with my finger), but I made it through and I’m a better man because of it. So let’s dive in, draft style.

With the first overall pick in my hypothetical fantasy draft I select JD Nelson, Suite Sales Manager from the Chicago Bears. I don’t know anything about JD, except that he has the same name as one of my favorite TV show characters, and he probably has the most boring job in the world. I’m not shitting on the life of a Suite Sales Manager, no sir. I am however shitting on the life of a Chicago Bears Suite Sales Manager, because I’m not convinced anyone buys suites for Bears games. Why would you? Who in their right mind would pay suite money to watch that asthma attack of a football team. My man JD just sits at his desk waiting for the phone to ring. He’s begging people to buy suites. It’s like trying to sell tours of a dog shit factory. Well no more Mr. Nelson. I’m bringing you to a real NFL team with real fans who are lusting for suites at the best venue in the league. No more spinning signs in front of Soldier Field to advertise those 1960’s, cold-war, survival bunkers you Chicago folk call suites. Your talents are being wasted JD, it’s time for you to sell suites to the great people of Minnesota. This isn’t Pop Warner anymore.

With the second pick in this all-important draft, I select Chet Regula, Team Dentist from the Detroit Lions. As far as I can tell Chet does a hell of a job, but nice teeth are for winners, just ask rich people. The Lions play football like they’re in a butterfly catching league. They could use a few unfilled cavities. Maybe lose a few chompers and toughen up a little bit. Ever watched hockey? You’re supposed to be football players, but Chet has made all your smiles magazine worthy. Michael Strahan could have used an orthodontist to close down that four lane highway between his teeth but he decided against it. You know what that got him? A Superbowl championship and the record for most sacks in a season. He had girt, he wasn’t worried about looking like a Ken Doll. Strahan didn’t care that he could fit a whole hard shell taco between his teeth. So I’m taking your dentist Detroit, and he can work on the teeth of a playoff team instead of fixing your butt breath from sucking so much ass. Chet has crucial job. Healthy teeth and gums are essential for your overall health, but he’s wasting his knowledge and passion on the Lions. Chet deserves better. He deserves winners, and that’s what he’ll get in Minnesota.

With the third and final pick of this historic draft, I select Bill Miller, Plumber/Beverage Systems Technician from the Green Bay Packers. Bill is the real MVP in Green Bay. If there is one thing I know about Wisconsinites, it’s that they love their beer. I know what your thinking, “oh everyone loves beer!” and your right, but also so very wrong. Wisconsin runs on beer, brats, and milk. Take one of those away and the state would shutdown. Imagine if the beer wasn’t flowing during a Packer game? There would be a purge authorized by the Governor. It’s Bill’s job to keep the people loose with Spotted Cow and Miller Lite. Some people think the government puts fluoride in the water to control us, but I know that Wisconsin keeps beer in the tap lines to keep the people calm and happy. The pressure on this guy is crazy. Every week he needs to perform or else Green Bay would tear itself apart like Gotham. I guarantee you that no job on earth is more stressful than making sure Packers fans get their beer. Is he a brain surgeon? No. Is his job more important than that of brain surgeon? 100%. Have you heard of any riots or mass chaos taking place in Green Bay lately? No, because Bill is fucking Johnny-on-the-spot with the beer. This guy is a first ballot Hall of Famer, and he should be allowed to skip the waiting period. Bill, I need you on my team. Plumber/Beverage Systems Technician? More like Senior Director of Beer Engineering.

JD, Chet, Bill, welcome to the Minnesota Vikings. I drafted you all because you’re more valuable then any player on any of those three teams. I’m excited for you guys to get to work.

Skol.

Top Twenty-Six Ways To Decide Which Minnesota Vikings Defensive Coordinator Gets To Call Plays.

The title seems pretty self explanatory. Who gets to call the plays, Andre or Adam? Let’s see how we can figure this out.

A game of Madden where each coach can only control the defense. Difficulty = All Madden. Best defensive performance gets to call plays.
A simple push-up contest, except the other coach sits on your back.
A hot dog eating contest. Soak the buns and open your gullets.
A strongman competition. Bring on the creatine and NO-Explode.
A 3 point contest, but with bowling balls.
Last one to remove their hand from the playbook wins. Strap on a piss bag.
A game of horseshoes AND hand grenades. Rules? TBD. Finally, close counts.
A Greco-Roman wrestling match. The true test of masculinity.
An old fashioned duel. Winner? Doesn’t die.
A drinking contest. Rumple Minze shots only, first one to puke or pass out loses.
Bat fight. A gentleman’s game, just two men connecting with their wood. (if you know you know)
A sack race across the football field and back. Should be wildly entertaining.
A punt, pass, and kick competition. Try to beat Andy Reid, I dare you.
First one to pull off a single cock push-up.
Whoever can donate the most blood without fainting.
Whoever can stare at the sun the longest
Whoever can eat the most spiderwebs. Never going to beat Woodhouse.
A bull riding competition. Doesn’t matter how, you just have to stay on the longest.
A sword fight. Cocks or katanas, up to them.
First one to get struck by lightening and survive. If he dies, he dies.
Old school bare knuckle boxing with your dominant hand tied behind your back.
A kickboxing match, but you can’t use your hands.
Whoever can eat the most mayonnaise in 20 minutes.
First one to drop a deuce on Lambeau Field.
Whoever can TP Soldier Field the best.
Whoever can get the most rats into Ford Field.

Mike Zimmer Eliminates The Position Of Defensive Coordinator. Its A Bold Strategy Cotton.

Co-Defensive coordinators. What on earth does this mean, and why would you do this? I like Adam Zimmer, and I really like Andre Patterson, but choose ONE. This feels like a cop-out. They’re not even changing their roles! Patterson is continuing to coach the defensive line and Zimmer will continue to coach the linebackers, but somehow they will also both be defensive coordinators. If Mike Zimmer continues to call plays then the Vikings essentially don’t even have a defensive coordinator. It could be revolutionary. It could also be a train wreck. What if he gives up play calling? Which “defensive coordinator” will call plays? How do you decide that? Maybe they just switch every play or every drive, that could be fun. They could flip a coin every play, or spin a spinner before the game. Rock paper scissors could work. Lots of possibilities here, maybe that should be the subject of another blog (it will be). I honestly need an explanation of how this is supposed to work.

I find this very frustrating. The defense has already peaked (they have), and during this off-season a handful of key players will likely leave or get cut/traded to create cap room. They are also not getting younger. It was time for a change, clearly they weren’t as good, but a half ass promotion from within the organization was not the answer. This isn’t going to make them better, the team needs a new, external influence. “But they were a top ten defense!” How often did they actually look like it though? They couldn’t stop a good passing game or a good running game, and they couldn’t get off the field on third down. That’s a bad recipe. It’s a horrible recipe, worse than Jeppson’s Malört. We spent the whole season complaining about Mike Zimmer’s “vaunted” defense because they rarely showed up.

I believe a Mike Zimmer defense will always be pretty good, but this season, when they needed to step up the most, the 49ers and Seahawks “ran through our ass like shit through a tin horn man, and we could not stop them” (S/O Nick Saban). There were options available for defensive coordinator, good options, yet it seems like Mike Zimmer didn’t even consider them. Did he even interview other coaches? Was the best decision seriously to change nothing?

I understand Zimmer wants consistency and continuity, but he runs the risk of things getting stale. The same voices and the same scheme is not always the best option when you defense is at risk of falling off.

My biggest concern though, is who is going to do the midweek press conferences during the season. I watch every single one of those, and I don’t know how you decide between Adam and Andre. Can you have both up there? Talk about electricity. Two coaches answering the same dumb and annoying questions.

We’ll see what happens. He could be making the biggest mistake of his life, or the biggest good decision of his life.

Time to spin the chamber Boris.

A Few Events I’ll Never Forget

Sunday was definitely a day that I’ll never forget. I was laying in bed scrolling through Twitter when I saw the TMZ article shared. Today that got me thinking, where was I for other events that I’ll never forget? So I compiled a short list. Note that not all of these are serious, these aren’t all related, and they certainly aren’t all comparable in magnitude.

Minneapolis Miracle: On the couch at my parents house. Easily the craziest finish I have watched live.

Blair Walsh Missed Field Goal In The Playoffs: Sitting on the couch in my apartment. After the game I walked to the convenience store across the street to buy depression food.

Death Of Dale Earnhardt Sr.: I was at the Circus when it happened, heard about it in the car afterwards.

Death Of Prince: Sitting at work, scrolling the news on my computer. I immediately texted my Dad because he was a big Prince fan.

2016 Presidential Election Decision: At the gym running laps and doing an ab workout. Nothing political here, but it was a historic election either way you lean.

9/11: Sitting in a classroom.

Mayweather Pacquiao: A hotel room in Minneapolis.

Mayweather McGregor: A hotel room in Chicago eating deep dish (I know, I know, that’s not real Chicago style pizza).

Kobe Bryant’s Last Game: Sitting in my apartment with friends, watching in amazement.

2009 Connecticut vs. Syracuse “6-overtime game”: At a Buffalo Wild Wings with some friends. Was not there to watch that game, but ended up not leaving until it finally finished.

2009 Brett Favre To Greg Lewis For The Game-Winning TD: Shooting Archery. I thought the game was over and I missed the pass live. Only saw the replay after a few moments after.

Tiger Woods 2019 Masters Win: I live streamed the first two rounds from my computer at work. Spent the weekend watching every Tiger shot on my couch. Will never forget him missing that first putt on 18 and then dropping in his second to win it.

Derek Jeter’s Last At-Bat In Yankee Stadium: Watched this one happen on my couch too. A true storybook ending for Jeter in Yankee Stadium. Hard to script it much better than that.

Brandon Bostick’s Muffed Onside Kick: At my girlfriend’s friends boyfriends (confusing) apartment. I was the only Vikings fan, so I was the only happy one.

This is all I can think of at the moment. I know I’m missing some pretty big events but for these particular ones I can remember exactly where I was and what I was doing. I’ll update the blog or tweet out any more that I can think of.

Tweet me your list @ZimNeedsANewDC , I’m curious what everyone has. It can be strange what sticks with us and what doesn’t.

A Few Humble Thoughts And Memories About Kobe

I had no reason to be a Lakers fan. I’m not from Los Angeles, I’m not even from California. But watching Kobe play basketball was so damn fun. He put out an addicting product because every single night he not only wanted to win, he wanted to be the best player on the floor, and he usually was. He wanted to dominate on offense and shut down the opponent on defense, I loved it. He was an athletic freak, and had moves I’d never seen before. He put together an all time great highlight reel, and watching it will never feel the same.

I’ll never forget the three-peat, the battles with Boston in 2008 and 2010, his last game, and all the other memories he gave us. I watched his final game in my apartment with my friends. I would never have missed it. I’ll never forget thinking “damn he might get 40” and then of course he did. I’ll never forget thinking “holy crap he’s going to get 50” and sure enough he did. I’ll never forget thinking “my god he got 60.” I knew that his last game wouldn’t be just an average game, it wasn’t his style, but I never dreamed we’d get a 60 burger from him. He looked awesome, it was hard to believe that was it. It was all over.

Part of me always thought we might see just a little bit more from him. Maybe a Marshawn Lynch style comeback to help the Lakers for a playoff run, or maybe a season in the BIG3 to show that he can still ball. I don’t think that would have been his style though. Once he was finished on the court he dove head first into a whole new life that seemed to fit him perfectly. He had completely moved on from playing in the NBA, even though I don’t think many of us had moved on from his playing days. I probably wouldn’t have until he was like 60, but it was great to see him succeed in his next adventure. I don’t think I’ve ever cheered for an Oscar win, and all of a sudden I was excited for an Animated Short.

It’s crazy how much Kobe had been going around on social media lately, just to be taken away in an instant. From the video of him and his daughter court side, to him hugging LeBron court side, the video of him talking about WNBA players in the NAB, and then LeBron sharing his memories with Kobe before the game where he would pass Bryant on the all time scoring list. Kobe seemed to be all over lately, making this even harder to fathom. It had to be false.

I cannot believe that we will never get a Hall of Fame speech from him. That’s a huge loss to the people it would have inspired across the globe. He would have had a powerful message that could resonate with everyone.

Earlier I went to shoot a Sparkling ICE bottle (judge me) into my recycling from my couch (not that impressive of a shot). I pulled up out of muscle memory, but hesitated, and then shot it without saying “Kobe!” like I usually would. I’ll never hesitate and be silent while shooting inanimate objects again.

Rest easy Kobe. Rest easy Gianna. Rest easy John Altobelli, Keri Altobelli, Alyssa Altobelli. Rest easy to the currently unnamed other who passed in the accident.

May the Mamba stories never stop coming.

LeBron And Tiger Making Moves

So LeBron moved up to third on the all time NBA scoring list, passing Kobe. Snore. Give me a real story. Giving something more interesting, something enthralling. And while you’re at it, give me Kobe Bryant over LeBron all damn day. Yea I said it, and I believe it too. If I’m starting a franchise and could pick prime Kobe or Prime LeBron, I would think for about 6 seconds before I made my pick. 2 seconds would be spent on what I’m going to eat later (gyros, fight me), 1 second thinking about sex (I think about it for only as long as I last in bed), 2 seconds thinking about what could have been with the 2009 Vikings (Drew Brees wouldn’t have a Super Bowl if it weren’t for bounty gate), and finally I would take 1 second to think “I’d much rather have Kobe, pick him.” It’s that easy. If you watched them both play, and would still take LeBron over Kobe, you need an antipsychotic. That being said, I am a Lakers fan and a whore for championships, so lets bring one home to L.A. LeBron! Am I a hypocrite? Not for me to decide…or you.

Also, how do you get manhandled by the 76ers??

Now lets keep things moving along here, because we’ve got more to discuss.

Tiger Woods is golfing at Torrey Pines this week and currently sits 5 shots back of the lead (that statement should give you an erection). 5 may sound like a lot, especially when the leader, Jon Rahm, has been playing like a machine, but Tiger is Will Smith. If you haven’t seen I, Robot, Will Smith kicks some machine ass. Tiger was 4 under though the first 9 today, so 5 shots isn’t worrying me. Tiger isn’t even playing great golf. He’s showing some signs of rust (he hasn’t played since the Presidents Cup) and is still better than almost everyone in the field. When he finds his groove on Sunday, it’s all over. Rahm will choke this away when he sees the red and black John Connor (switched movies, keep up) stalking him on the leader broad and on the course.

Sorry Jon, but until you add an “h” into your name like a normal person, you’re not beating Eldrick.* Sundays are GOAT territory, and Tiger has you right where he wants you. Number 83, here we come.

*This statement was only meant as a shot at Jon Rahm. If you spell your name the same way but read my blogs and follow me then please no that I have no qualms about the spelling of your name.**

**Just kidding, spell your name like a normal human. You think the J in JFK stands for Jon? That’s not a presidents name. Maybe you could manage a failing strip club. It stands for John. Thank you for your support.

Time To Aggressively Overreact

Cut Lamar Jackson right now. That performance in the precision passing drill was downright disgusting. Two points!? I would rather drink a wild animals bath water than watch that performance again. Seriously, two points!? Adam Thielen (WR) got ten last year! If I’m the Vikings I’m seriously considering offering the Ravens Thielen (QB) for a first round pick. That’s how desperate the Ravens should be right now. That drill had no pass rushers, no defensive backs, giant targets, and perfect conditions. Sorry it was too difficult. Maybe next year Lamar can take part in the precision handoff drill. People like to joke about him being a running back, but no thank you. Not on my team. I’d like to be able to run a flea flicker without Jackson throwing the ball 15 yards over the QB’s head on the pitch back.

Speaking of quarterbacks, I think it’s official that Kirk Cousins is the 2nd best QB in the NFL behind Russell Wilson. Did you see him in the precision passing drill?? That drill was damn hard, they put him through the gauntlet and he slayed. He was electric. Kirk had 18 points, more than Jackson, Watson, and Landry combined! That alone deserves a massive extension, but he wasn’t done. Not. Even. Close. Cousins stepped up big and showed heart and grit when he dominated the Thread the Needle drill. 12 points! Historic numbers in an absolute menace of a drill. He laid his nuts on the line out there and made the pro bowl drills kiss them. Cousins can’t win in prime time under the bright lights? Then what the hell was that? The brightest of lights, the grandest of stages, and Kirk Cousins manhandled the competition. I actually felt bad for the AFC. Kirk has emerged, and he did it in stunning fashion.

“Just when the caterpillar thought the world was ending, he turned into a butterfly.”