Trying times often require us to find strength and greatness within ourselves that we didn’t know we had. It may sound cliche, but difficult times bring out the best in people. It brings out abilities we didn’t know we had. Adversity makes us innovate, it makes think in ways we’ve never thought before, and it forces us to overcome challenging obstacles. When it’s all said and done, we come out on the other side a better person.
COVID-19 is testing us, it’s challenging us, and we need to rise to the occasion. We cannot be afraid of it, and we cannot let it defeat us, even if fear and defeat seem inevitable. COVID-19 is waging a war against humanity, and in it’s attempt to secure victory, it has taken the battle directly into our bathrooms. Our bathrooms for Christ’s sake! The one room in our house where we can be at peace. The one room in our house where we can escape the chaos that is our everyday lives for a few minutes of smelly relief.
I don’t know about you, but I love my bathroom. My problems fade away when I mount that chilly porcelain throne and begin to squeeze out the day’s stress. The relief I get when I hear that splash and am subsequently kissed in the buttocks by a few cooling drops of water is incomparable. I’m in such a state of nirvana I hardly even notice the smell of stale beans, old cheese, and fermented hot dogs drifting through the air. It’s truly a lovely experience.
The only thing that can seriously disrupt my small slice of tiled heaven is running out of toilet paper. Not being able to clean yourself properly after a hearty bowl movement is indeed the stuff of nightmares, and the coronavirus is trying to give us our scariest dream yet by stealing toilet paper off of our shelves.
It’s time for us to fight back. How, you ask? By breaking our addiction toilet paper. By dumping the roll. We do not need toilet paper. Coronavirus can have it, take it all, because in this house we no longer wipe. We. Don’t. Wipe.
It’s not going to be easy, but I have faith. We can all achieve the famed “no wiper”. A bowl movement so firm, so solid, and so perfect, you wont need even a half square of toilet paper. I promise you will be able to poop, look at the empty roll, laugh, and pull up your pants without a care in the world.
It’s all about the diet and mindset. Fiber, lots of it. Probiotics, lots of them. Solid cheese, a lot of it. Vegetables, a lot of them. Water, a lot of it. After that, cut out the grease, the sugars, the fats, the oils, the beans, the chili, the meats, and the junk food. Then, get some exercise and dream about being free of the toilet paper shackles wrapped around your anus. Clear your mind, and envision a trip to the bathroom where you could wipe with a white paper plate, and when your done, that plate is so spectacularly clean you decide to eat your next meal off of it. Gone are the days of wiping with a brown marker.
And that my friends, is how we win. Fuck toilet paper. We won’t need it. We can evolve past it. We can become better, cleaner people. The coronavirus war continues, but this battle is over.
Now go forth and practice. You won’t nail it on your first attempt, but put your head down, throw those underwear away, and try it again. Persistence is key.