The art of goosing

A goose. Not the annoying waterfowl. No, its something much more elegant, more cunning, and simpler than that particular creature.

A goose is a simple poke in buttocks. A gentle but firm prod that just peaks through the doorway to your sphincter.

It’s a greeting of sorts. Not like the traditional wave, handshake, high five, “sup” nod, or knuckles though. It’s a friendly greeting, but it’s meant to take your target by surprise and provide you with a “Gotcha!” moment. Expect a verbal exclamation and a leap of surprise from your target when properly executed.

Given the current situation we live in, I can’t think of a more sanitary and germ free greeting than sticking you’re freshly washed finger into someone’s crack.

Now let’s discuss the correct execution of the goose.

First, you should know your target, and you should be friendly with them. I don’t recommend going one knuckle deep in a stranger’s or loose acquaintance’s bum. Butt fingering is really a greeting best left for close friends, siblings, or mom and dad.

Now regarding the aforementioned knuckle, one is plenty. Save knuckles two and three for the experimental night in the bedroom with your “lucky” lady or man.

I like to use my thumb when I goose. I find that its more stable and less likely to strain when I’m goosing a buddy who’s wearing material like denim. Plus it’s the largest phalange, providing more surface area for an effective surprise greeting.

Make sure you keep your thumb stiff, but not too stiff. You’ll want to allow for a little bend. If you’re not careful, you could be staring down the barrel of and sprained finger.

Next, this isn’t an ass punch. We’re not animals, we’re just trying to say hello. There is no need to wind up like you’re on the mound in a womens fast pitch softball game. It’s all in the wrist and elbow. Just a little swing of the elbow is all you need to get the momentum going. Then, just a quick flick of the wrist. Pretend you’re flipping a coin with your thumb but trying to get a little extra mustard on it.

And please, for the love of god, remember to say something while you’re goosing. There is nothing more awkward than a silent poke in the ass. Don’t creep people out, say “Hey!” as you do it.

And finally, clip your fingernails. Don’t be a hero and risk breaking one.

Happy goosing.

My application for the Huston Texans GM opening

March 18th, 2020.

Janice McNair.

Huston Texans.

1NGR Parkway.

Huston, Texas 77054.

RE: GM Opening

Dear Janice McNair,

I would not have have traded one of the leagues best and most productive wide receivers, who happens to be in his prime, for a second round pick and a very expensive running back who is always hurt and hasn’t been effective the past few seasons.

Please fax my contract details to 394-274-1919.

Best regards,

G Spot Sneakers.

My beef with Michael Thomas is officially on hold

That’s right. My long running feud with Michael Thomas is now on hold, just like everything else in the world. This feud started years ago, when I chirped him from one of my old Twitter accounts and he actually chirped back, which I respected. I don’t even remember what I tweeted at him anymore, but I do know that he started it.

Now I’m not ready to bury the hatchet yet, even though I’m sure he wants too. I’m probably living rent free in his head and it’s making him crazy. He’s probably up all night thinking about me. No I’m going to wait before ending this feud. I’ll probably have to turn down a couple steak dinner truce offers from him but that’s okay, I’m a man of principle, and were not done just yet.

So why did I decide to suddenly take a break from this brutal feud? Because a new feud has recently popped up. An unexpected feud. A feud I wish with all my heart didn’t have to happen, because it’s going to get ugly. This hurts my heart because it’s like going to battle against your brother, a brother you’ve never met, have never talked to, have less than no relationship with, and you’ve only known he exists for a few years, but still a brother. And again, I didn’t start this, Stefon Diggs did.

Mr. Diggs started this beef by complaining his way into a trade after playing one year of a five year deal that HE agreed to and signed with the Minnesota Vikings.

Prepare yourself Diggs, this is internet war.

I’ll be seeing you around Twitter MT.

The Art Of A No Wiper

Trying times often require us to find strength and greatness within ourselves that we didn’t know we had. It may sound cliche, but difficult times bring out the best in people. It brings out abilities we didn’t know we had. Adversity makes us innovate, it makes think in ways we’ve never thought before, and it forces us to overcome challenging obstacles. When it’s all said and done, we come out on the other side a better person.

COVID-19 is testing us, it’s challenging us, and we need to rise to the occasion. We cannot be afraid of it, and we cannot let it defeat us, even if fear and defeat seem inevitable. COVID-19 is waging a war against humanity, and in it’s attempt to secure victory, it has taken the battle directly into our bathrooms. Our bathrooms for Christ’s sake! The one room in our house where we can be at peace. The one room in our house where we can escape the chaos that is our everyday lives for a few minutes of smelly relief.

I don’t know about you, but I love my bathroom. My problems fade away when I mount that chilly porcelain throne and begin to squeeze out the day’s stress. The relief I get when I hear that splash and am subsequently kissed in the buttocks by a few cooling drops of water is incomparable. I’m in such a state of nirvana I hardly even notice the smell of stale beans, old cheese, and fermented hot dogs drifting through the air. It’s truly a lovely experience.

The only thing that can seriously disrupt my small slice of tiled heaven is running out of toilet paper. Not being able to clean yourself properly after a hearty bowl movement is indeed the stuff of nightmares, and the coronavirus is trying to give us our scariest dream yet by stealing toilet paper off of our shelves.

It’s time for us to fight back. How, you ask? By breaking our addiction toilet paper. By dumping the roll. We do not need toilet paper. Coronavirus can have it, take it all, because in this house we no longer wipe. We. Don’t. Wipe.

It’s not going to be easy, but I have faith. We can all achieve the famed “no wiper”. A bowl movement so firm, so solid, and so perfect, you wont need even a half square of toilet paper. I promise you will be able to poop, look at the empty roll, laugh, and pull up your pants without a care in the world.

It’s all about the diet and mindset. Fiber, lots of it. Probiotics, lots of them. Solid cheese, a lot of it. Vegetables, a lot of them. Water, a lot of it. After that, cut out the grease, the sugars, the fats, the oils, the beans, the chili, the meats, and the junk food. Then, get some exercise and dream about being free of the toilet paper shackles wrapped around your anus. Clear your mind, and envision a trip to the bathroom where you could wipe with a white paper plate, and when your done, that plate is so spectacularly clean you decide to eat your next meal off of it. Gone are the days of wiping with a brown marker.

And that my friends, is how we win. Fuck toilet paper. We won’t need it. We can evolve past it. We can become better, cleaner people. The coronavirus war continues, but this battle is over.

Now go forth and practice. You won’t nail it on your first attempt, but put your head down, throw those underwear away, and try it again. Persistence is key.

It Is Time To Fully Commit To NASCAR

So NASCAR is one of the last sports left (insert left turn joke), and luckily for us, it’s also one of the most electric.

Who would have thought stock car racing would stand the test of time? Go ahead and make your joke about only turning left, call it boring, say it’s only for rednecks, spit on me and tell me I’m scum, but you know what? You’re wrong… except about only turning left, that’s accurate 98% of the time. But on Sunday, those left turns are going to have you on the edge of your seat, and it will have your mind off the coronavirus and the sports wasteland that it has cursed us with. So it’s time to commit ourselves to NASCAR. Ever played Fuck Marry Kill? Well it’s time to fuck NASCAR, marry NASCAR, and kill some time.

Find your favorite driver, find your most hated rival, talk some major shit, buy some gear, buy some Doritos, figure out how an engine works, and get ready for 190 MPH crashes, post race fist fights, and hundreds of miles of adrenaline pumping left turns.

Let’s go racing boys.

Rudy Gobert? More like Rudy Doneshare (The Coronavirus)

More like Rudy Nocare (about the coronavirus).

Come the fuck on Rudy! Rudolph Gobert.

You’re 7’1″! How the hell did you even get the coronavirus? At that height you should be breathing in nice fresh air with every breath, not the recycled, germ infested, fart air the rest of us 6 foot plebeians are swapping (6′ 1″ with the right shoes, nbd).

Two time Defensive Player of the Year but you just got dunked on by your smallest opponent yet. The coronavirus just put you on a poster. It just went for its season high against you. It’s laughing in your face and stepping over you like it’s AI and you’re Ty Lue.

Right now you leading the league in virus assists, and virus catches. You might win Most Virus Infected Player this year.

Seriously, how did you get infected? Who the hell is trying to blow up LeBron’s MVP and Championship season? Did someone put you up to this?

Fucking Clippers.

Wash your damn hands!

Feel better soon though.

Golden State Fans Had Their Prayers Answered Today

So if you haven’t heard, the Golden State Warriors will be playing at home in front of approximately zero fans. Essentially this will just be a Warriors game from the pre Steph Curry era.

It looks like the Lord hath smiled down upon the city of San Francisco on this Wednesday the 11th, in the year of 2020.

No one wanted to go to Golden State games anymore, not this season. They have 15 wins and look like a flaming trash heap when they’re on the court. Now I know the reasons why they look worse than me at basketball, but that doesn’t change what they’re doing this season. Honestly, just cancel their season, they don’t need to show up for work anymore. The NBA will be just fine without them. Go ahead and use the coronavirus as an excuse.

Fans across the bay area are finally feeling relieved, despite facing a global pandemic. What worse than a deadly virus? Watching a high school basketball team get demolished by professional basketball players at the Chase Center. That’s tough.

The only way to make things better for San Fransico now is to have a blackout so they don’t feel obligated to watch live murder on their televisions.

If you have flu like symptoms, you may be watching too much Warriors basketball.

Draymond Green Shouldn’t Be Allowed In The Same State As Charles Barkley

Draymond is a very good basketball player. In spurts, he’s been a great basketball player. He was an integral part of the championships he won, but he was third and fourth best player on those teams.

Barkley “can’t sit at this table.” What a joke. Has Draymond never watched Charles Barkley play ball? The Round Mound of Rebound would roll Draymond up into a ball and dunk him just like the Monstars did to Jordan. The Chuck Wagon was not only the best player on his team, he was usually the best player on the court. Barkley vs Green one on one, what’s the outcome you ask? How about Chucks nuts slapping Draymond’s front teeth while he puts him on a poster. Kind of like LeBron vs Josh Hart. Have fun spitting out pubes for an hour.

Hopefully Chuck was nice enough to shower before hand so his nuts don’t taste too bad.

I like Draymond, but this is a ridiculous statement. Charles Barkley is just an unquestionably superior basketball player. He dominated the NBA. Draymond just happened to be on a team that dominated the NBA.

Draymond pulled the rings card but that only works if your on the same level, LeBron vs Jordan for example. What Draymond apparently doesn’t seem to realize is that Chuck is an 11x All Star, 5x All NBA First team, an MVP, an All Star Game MVP, a 5x All NBA Second Team, he retired as the fourth player in NBA history to achieve 20,000 points, 10,000 rebounds and 4,000 assists, and he won two Olympic gold medals while leading both of those Olympic teams in scoring.

So yes, Charles Barkley can sit at your table, he can sit on your couch, drive your car, sleep in your bed, shower in your bathroom, poop in your toilet, eat your food, drink your beer, and masturbate into your socks, and there is nothing you can say about it.

They call him Sir Charles for God’s sake.

It ain’t even close man.

NFL Uniform Rankings

From worst to first…

32. Chicago Bears (Worst)

31. Washington Redskins

30. San Francisco 49ers

29. Tampa Bay Buccaneers

28. Jacksonville Jaguars

27. New York Giants

26. Green Bay Packers

25. New York Jets

24. Carolina Panthers

23. New England Patriots

22. Houston Texans

21. Los Angeles Rams

20. Cleveland Browns

19. Detroit Lions

18. New Orleans Saints

17. Cincinnati Bengals

16. Indianapolis Colts

15. Arizona Cardinals

14. Minnesota Vikings

13. Tennessee Titans

12. Denver Broncos

11. Oakland Raiders

10. Kansas City Chiefs

09. Philadelphia Eagles

08. Atlanta Falcons

07. Buffalo Bills

06. Miami Dolphins

05. Pittsburgh Steelers

04. Dallas Cowboys

03. Los Angeles Chargers

02. Seattle Seahawks

01. Baltimore Ravens (Best)

If Minnesota Only Drafts Cornerbacks And Offensive Linemen, I’ll Be Happy.

Most people would consider a team drafting only two positions a bad draft strategy. ESPN would certainly give that team a big fat “F” on their draft report card, but if the Vikings did this, I wouldn’t hate it. I’d call it a bold draft strategy.

I realize their are some other areas of need, but I really don’t think a draft board full of offensive linemen and cornerbacks is that bad of an idea.

They could potentially lose three corners in free agency. Granted one of them was about as effective as a washing machine behind the wheel of an ambulance (his name rhymes with Xavier Rhodes) but still. There is a very realistic chance they will need to replace three corners, and I’m not sold on Mike Hughes yet either. It’s a passing league, and unlike the British in 1940, the Vikings can’t stop an aerial attack. This team needs cornerbacks, and it needs a lot of them. Even if they get Waynes or Alexander back, they still need more cornerbacks, so draft a shit load of them.

The offensive line was probably not as bad as the corners were last year, but it was close. Very close at times. Pat “The Welcome Mat” Elflein was an open door to Kirk last year, and there is a picture of Riley Reiff next to “average” in the dictionary. If condoms were as effective at blocking sperm as these two were at blocking the defense, you would strap on a Trojan when you wanted a pregnancy. I know Garrett Bradbury was a rookie, but of the five offensive linemen I only trust Brian Cormac O’Neill. So at a bare minimum the Minnesota Vikings should be trying to replace two of the five o-linemen.

Minimally, were looking at two corners and two linemen, but if I know the Vikings there are going to be some busts. Some big Rick Spielman nut busts (his name rhymes with Taquon Lreadwell). So just to play it safe, I vote to draft nothing but corners and offensive lineman.

What other position would really help this team win and get back into the playoffs? RB? Stacked. WR? Best duo in the league (don’t fucking @ me). TE? Solid. QB? Solid (*arguments begin). LB? Solid. D-Line? Questionable. DE? Solid if we get Griffen or Weatherly back. Safety? Solid even if Harris leaves. Special Teams? Nerds.

I think I’ve proved my point, but feel free to comment and argue with me.

Skol.

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